Assertiveness & Self-Esteem – Page 2 – Confident Counseling, LLC.

When Someone Doubts You

I’ve had several experiences in my life where someone in a leadership position has doubted my ability. The first time I was in High School. My history teacher refused to approve me from taking an Honors level history class the following year after saying, “I don’t think you’re capable.”

The next time was from my supervisor at a Community Agency I worked at as a counselor. I created my schedule and was only reimbursed when I saw clients. The paperwork was prohibitive and the pay was poor. After almost 3 years I decided that I would start my private practice and cut down the amount of time at the agency. When I informed my supervisor, she responded by saying “It’s too hard and I don’t think you’re ready.” She didn’t offer any suggestions to help towards my goal but instead suggested I close the chapter before opening the book.

Now keep in mind that I had been working with clients with every disorder possible including severe psychotic disorders. I don’t know about other counselors, but I find it extremely difficult to have a successful session while someone is actively hallucinating. Instead of realizing how her fears were being projected unto me, I started to question and doubt my dream and myself.

Then something clicked for me. I was accepting the doubt from someone who had never pursued this dream, someone who had never tried.

A year earlier I had talked about private practice with this supervisor and she shared how she never bothered to go into private practice because it was too difficult and not worth it. Of course it’s difficult, starting your own business will be. In a search for inspiration I reached out to a local counselor, Marina Williams, who was successful with her own private practice and who wrote a blog I follow. Click here to read her blog. Prepare for some excellent and insightful writing.

I reached out to her because I realized it made more sense to ask for advice from a person that is already doing what I hoped to accomplish. What do I have to gain from someone who never bothered trying out of fear? More fear and self-doubt.

Marina responded and shared that she faced a similar reaction from her supervisor at a community agency. Marina assured me that if I was ready to work for a community agency, then I was definitely ready to work for myself seeing clients with far less severe problems. Even though Marina had never met me, I realized I had placed too much value in what negative people thought of me and my abilities. Only I knew what I was capable of and I was the one daring to take the risk.

If you have a passion and people express doubt in your ability, question their motives. Are they coming from place of caring or fear? If they are coming from a place of care, then they will most likely offer suggestions to help you follow your dream, not tell you to give up. Have they followed any of their dreams? If not, then the following quote is perfect as a response.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

When someone doubts you, reach out to those that have already blazed the path you are interested in. They will serve as a better guide. Connect with positive people who will share inspiration and words of wisdom. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something you have a passion for.

What Are Your Boundaries?

Last time I shared one simple assertiveness technique The Broken Record to use when someone insists on having you do something that you can’t or don’t want to do. Before you can be effective with assertive techniques, it is important for you to know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries are like imaginary lines between you and others. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. In order for you to have healthy boundaries you have to know your feelings and values as they relate to yourself and others.

Here are some examples:

Psychological – Do you take other people’s comments personally? Do you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s negative feelings or problems? Are you aware of your own feelings?
Material– What do you think of lending or giving things to others (e.g. money, car, clothes, etc..) and what does that look like for you?
Mental – What do you believe in? What are your opinions?
Physical – Who can give you a hug/kiss/handshake? What are feelings about sharing your space with other people?
Sexual– What is your comfort level around sexual activity?
Spiritual– What are your beliefs around a higher power/faith?

Boundaries protect your well-being and can change over time. When you know what your boundaries are, you know when and why you need to assert yourself.

Assertiveness: Simple Technique Anyone Can Try

I specialize in assertiveness training and enjoy seeing clients stop being taken advantage of in their life. One of the most common struggles they face is being unable to say “no” without feeling selfish or guilty. They tell me “I’m always taken advantage”, or “my friends know to call me for everything,” or “I can’t say no to my family and now I resent them.”

One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

How it works is that you find a sentence saying that you can’t do something and you keep repeating it when asked why.

Here is an example:

A friend asks Sara to lend them $100. Now Sara has the money but needs it to pay her bills in a few days. Sara says: “I’m sorry but I can’t give you $100 right now.”

Her friend might then say: “but why not, I really need it?”
Sara replies: “I wish I could but I can’t give you the money right now”
Her friend: “I will pay you back as soon as I can.”
Sara replies: “Unfortunately, I don’t have $100 to give you right now.”

As you see, Sara repeated her reason over and over while keeping the conversation from getting too personal. This method can be effective and is simple to practice.

Now if the person you are talking to becomes angry or disrespectful then it might be best to leave and think about the future of that relationship.

If you would like more specialized training around assertiveness skills, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Ways To Feel Better Now

Looking for a pick-me-up? There are those days where it is so much easier to focus on the negativity in our life. “What isn’t working, how it could better if only this or that changed…” I dare you to try this quick exercise to get an instant boost of positive energy and feel better now.

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

1) Remind yourself that every thing you do is a choice.

2) For every negative thought you have replace with a blessing in your life (I can see and read this article with eyes that work) :p

3) Call up a positive person in your life

4) Get outside for some fresh air and sun

5) Release any physical tension you have by stretching and/or exercising (e.g. brisk walk)

For long-term or chronic symptoms please seek professional help.

Feel free to add your own quick ways to feel better now.

The Importance of Self-Care

“Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation.”-Audrey Lorde

Learning and implementing the importance of self-care can feel like a constant balancing act. How does one make time for oneself when one is constantly being pushed in all directions? Work, relationships, and commitments all demand our time given the limited hours in a day. Making the time to do something that fills you up emotionally, physically, and or mentally is vital to making sure you can pursue those other things without burning out. It is hard to say no to extra demands or to put yourself first without feeling selfish.

Often times, I find that moms struggle with finding this balance. They find themselves feeling angry and exhausted and inadvertently take it out on others around them. When asked to spend some time doing things they enjoy, they struggle with feeling like they need to sacrifice themselves for their family. Remember that finding time for yourself to replenish will not only benefit you, but everyone around you. In the case of a burnt-out mother, your children will thank you for it.

Look at it this way, if you don’t put your need to recharge first, then everything and everyone else will only receive a small percent of you, because you won’t have anything else to give. By taking time to rejuvenate, you are in essence doing everything and everyone else a favor. When you focus on your needs, you will be able to give back 100% to your other commitments and people in your life. What good are you tired, irritable, or angry because you chose to rank other activities and or people ahead of yourself?

I find reading a good book or taking a hot shower helps me recharge after a long day of work.

Here are some other self-care ideas:

Exercise
Eating healthy
Meditation
Sleep
Medical care
Keeping a journal
Counseling

What is your self-care?

Learning From Disappointment

Have you ever felt disappointed with how you didn’t react to a given situation? Have you ever stood by silently while an injustice took place, only to feel upset with yourself afterwards? I want to share a personal example in my learning from disappointment that happened recently.

A couple of weekends ago I was left feeling unsettled after attending a stand-up comedy show. The show was in Boston and I was going to see a comic that I had followed for a few years. At first, the routine and the atmosphere was fun and enjoyable. Then the comedian began making upsetting sexist and racist jokes including how he finds it funny that African-Americans have a glass ceiling because they have limited influence to cause serious harm to our society and that women shouldn’t get paid as much as men because of reasons that we cost men too much money.

At this point, the comedian pointed to the audience and asked for a rebuttal to his earlier claim about why he feels women should get paid less. It was in that moment that I found myself at a loss of words and unprepared for any intellectual debate. I instantly felt intimidated being in a venue surrounded by mostly intoxicated men. I also worried that I wouldn’t have the floor long enough to even have an intellectual conversation because the comic had the microphone and he had a show to do. Just as soon as the moment had started it had passed and I was left feeling shocked, upset, and disappointed with the comic and with myself.

The following day I replayed that scene over and over in my head thinking of all the comments I could have said and how possible scenarios could have played out. Needless to say, I struggled with the expectations I had and the reality that occurred.

I have since made my peace and realized that I learned several valuable lessons from this experience. I learned that I won’t always have the right words to say and that I may not feel brave all the time. I learned the need for kindness with myself when I fail to act. I learned that I can continue to support causes I believe in by way of donations, writing my blog, raising awareness around me, and by refusing to support those that oppose those causes (i.e. this particular comedian). More importantly, I understand that this it isn’t the last opportunity I will have to speak up and be heard.

Have you ever failed to speak up or act when you felt you should have? What did you learn from it and how has it affected your life?

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