Confident Counseling

Truths Of Road Rage

If you’ve ever been in traffic then you’ve probably witnessed or personally felt road rage. Actually if you’ve ever been in a car then you’ve probably come across it. I hate to admit it but I had a recent experience with road rage. This encounter allowed me to learn several truths of road rage.

I was driving home from work in heavy traffic when I was second in line for the toll booth. Another car in a different lane began inching their way next time. As I was next in line I began moving forward when the other car started speeding up while moving closer to me. At this point I realized this car was intent on cutting me and I instantly felt disrespected at their transgression. As sped up, so did he. It was then that I realized we were both losing road and one of us would end up hitting the concrete wall of the booth. I slowed down and let the other car pass.

Immediately I felt stupid for acting so childish over such a trivial situation because I felt the driver cut me in line. I spent the rest of my drive reflecting on this moment and realised several important realizations.

Just how vulnerable we are to your emotions
How much weight we place on daily transgressions
The importance of mindfulness

It was the moment of awareness, being present and analyzing/challenging my thoughts, that saved me from an accident. Since then I take a few moments to breathe and remind myself that I’m happy to be alive, I’m small in this world with so many humans, and that everyone has their story. For all I know that other driver was having a bad day. Either way, just like me he is a human being that is vulnerable to the human condition.

The Love Dare-Unconditional Love Couples Counseling Confident Counseling Couples Counseling Northborough MA

Vitamin D Deficiency- The Secret Depression

Fall has officially started and for some of us, the leaves are changing and the nights are getting colder. The days are getting shorter and that means less sun exposure. Surprisingly, lack of sun can lead to medical problems that may mimic the symptoms of depression. I’m speaking about Vitamin D Deficiency- the secret depression.

This time last year I noticed that regardless of the number of hours I would sleep (sometimes 10+ on the weekends) I would still feel sluggish and exhausted. As a result of the fatigue I was irritable and had no interest in doing much of anything. It was physically painful getting up for work each morning that I ended up missing more days than I would have liked. At first glance you might think of depression but as a counselor I knew this was something else.

I immediately called my doctor and scheduled blood work tests. A couple of months later I received my lab results and found I had a Vitamin D Deficiency, specifically D3.

Here is a snippet from a MedicineNet.com article:

“Vitamin D is one of the four fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E, and K). There are two forms of vitamin D, D2 and D3. Vitamin D2, also known as ergocalciferol, comes from fortified foods, plant foods, and supplements. Vitamin D3, also known as cholecalciferol, comes from fortified foods, animal foods (fatty fish, cod liver oil, eggs, and liver), supplements, and can be made internally when your skin is exposed to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from the sun.” According to the vitamindcouncil.org and the Mayoclinic, there are several factors that can increase your risk of Vitamin D Deficiency such as where you live, skin color, and weight.

With my doctor’s guidance, I began taking my recommended vitamin and within a week I felt back to normal. I share this because it’s important to understand how underlying medical issues can imitate symptoms of mood disorders like depression. I definitely don’t suggest everyone stay out in the sun all day every day but I do recommend speaking with your doctor to rule out medical conditions for symptoms that appear to be mood disorders.

What Can I Expect From Counseling?

If you are in counseling or are thinking of starting, you may have asked yourself “What can I expect from Counseling?” With how the media portrays counseling, it isn’t surprising to have questions or even concerns about what counseling will be like for you.

Of course it is important to understand that counseling is only as effective as you make it. What I mean is that most of the work done in counseling actually comes from you, the client. Imagine the counselor as a guide showing you alternative ways of approaching situations or handling your problems. You as the client have to choose one and carry it out. If you aren’t following through or actively participating, then counseling will be ineffective.

Here are expectations to have for counseling

You should expect to increase your awareness of what is causing your struggles and what the roadblocks are.
You will be taught new skills and tools to manage your struggles in the present and for the future.
Understanding the limits of confidentiality, you can expect a safe place to talk about anything and everything that is on your mind. The limits being that the counselor has a legal obligation to report risk of suicide, homicide or current child or elder abuse. Privacy can also be compromised depending also on whether you have an active court case or if you use your health insurance.
You shouldn’t feel judged or worry about scaring the counselor with what you have to share.
You should expect to work with a trained professional or have them refer you to someone who will be able to better serve you should they not have the right training or skills to help with your issues.
You should feel hope and relief after your sessions.
You may feel discomfort and emotional pain depending on what and how severe your struggles are.
You should expect to feel “contained” by the end of your counseling sessions and not left unstable or vulnerable.
- This is important for clients with trauma. As a result, your counselor may wait to discuss a difficult subject at the start of a future session and not at the middle or end.
You should expect an environment where are you free to express positive and negative feedback about your counselor’s style or direction of treatment without worrying that they will get upset or offended.

Effective counseling promotes your growth as a person and healing from pain.

What Will My First Counseling Session Be Like?

I’ve been asked this question from prospective clients and I have asked this question myself before. It can be scary to admit that you aren’t able to solve everything on your own which is why it makes sense that you want to know “What will my first counseling session be like?” Even though the counselor you contact is an identified professional, they are still a complete stranger.

If you are curious about what the first counseling session will be like for yourself or for someone else, I hope this information will encourage you to try counseling or recommend it to someone you know.

First Session:

Plan to spend 60-90 minutes with a counselor during the first session (intake).
You’ll fill out forms that ask about your contact information, possible screens to check for symptoms and flag follow-up questions.
The counselor will discuss your privacy rights, limits to confidentiality, cancellation policies and any other administrative policies.
You will answer questions about your day-to-day activities, what concerns you have, medical conditions, medications, family relationships & history, your experience with past counseling if applicable.
The counselor will share their specialties, professional training, and clinical style (short-term or long-term, homework vs. no homework).
The counselor will make recommendations for treatment options and frequency of sessions that you can either agree or disagree with.

Now underneath all the formal details, you should feel safe to open up without judgment, feel comfortable being in the counselor’s presence and in their office space, and you should leave the first session with a sense of hope that therapy will help you reach your goals. Good counselors will tell you right away if they are not qualified to work with your particular issues and will make recommendations for someone more qualified.

If you feel judged, dislike the counselor’s personality, or realize the counselor doesn’t have the qualifications to work well with you, please find another counselor. There is no point in staying with a counselor if you don’t feel comfortable or trust them enough to open up about difficult topics.

I hope you found this information helpful. Stay tuned for next time as I discuss what you can expect from counseling beyond the first session. Feel free to leave questions or comments below.

What Are Your Boundaries?

Last time I shared one simple assertiveness technique The Broken Record to use when someone insists on having you do something that you can’t or don’t want to do. Before you can be effective with assertive techniques, it is important for you to know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries are like imaginary lines between you and others. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. In order for you to have healthy boundaries you have to know your feelings and values as they relate to yourself and others.

Here are some examples:

Psychological – Do you take other people’s comments personally? Do you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s negative feelings or problems? Are you aware of your own feelings?
Material– What do you think of lending or giving things to others (e.g. money, car, clothes, etc..) and what does that look like for you?
Mental – What do you believe in? What are your opinions?
Physical – Who can give you a hug/kiss/handshake? What are feelings about sharing your space with other people?
Sexual– What is your comfort level around sexual activity?
Spiritual– What are your beliefs around a higher power/faith?

Boundaries protect your well-being and can change over time. When you know what your boundaries are, you know when and why you need to assert yourself.

Assertiveness: Simple Technique Anyone Can Try

I specialize in assertiveness training and enjoy seeing clients stop being taken advantage of in their life. One of the most common struggles they face is being unable to say “no” without feeling selfish or guilty. They tell me “I’m always taken advantage”, or “my friends know to call me for everything,” or “I can’t say no to my family and now I resent them.”

One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

How it works is that you find a sentence saying that you can’t do something and you keep repeating it when asked why.

Here is an example:

A friend asks Sara to lend them $100. Now Sara has the money but needs it to pay her bills in a few days. Sara says: “I’m sorry but I can’t give you $100 right now.”

Her friend might then say: “but why not, I really need it?”
Sara replies: “I wish I could but I can’t give you the money right now”
Her friend: “I will pay you back as soon as I can.”
Sara replies: “Unfortunately, I don’t have $100 to give you right now.”

As you see, Sara repeated her reason over and over while keeping the conversation from getting too personal. This method can be effective and is simple to practice.

Now if the person you are talking to becomes angry or disrespectful then it might be best to leave and think about the future of that relationship.

If you would like more specialized training around assertiveness skills, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Ways To Feel Better Now

Looking for a pick-me-up? There are those days where it is so much easier to focus on the negativity in our life. “What isn’t working, how it could better if only this or that changed…” I dare you to try this quick exercise to get an instant boost of positive energy and feel better now.

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

1) Remind yourself that every thing you do is a choice.

2) For every negative thought you have replace with a blessing in your life (I can see and read this article with eyes that work) :p

3) Call up a positive person in your life

4) Get outside for some fresh air and sun

5) Release any physical tension you have by stretching and/or exercising (e.g. brisk walk)

For long-term or chronic symptoms please seek professional help.

Feel free to add your own quick ways to feel better now.

5 Common Myths About Psychotherapists

Over the years I have discovered common beliefs/myths that are held about psychotherapists. Here are common myths about psychotherapists. Hopefully this post will break the ones I have come across.

1) Psychotherapists are perfect

We are only human and make mistakes. I have had family members question how I can struggle with my own personal issues as a counselor. As a human being, I am not perfect and it is difficult if not impossible to be my own counselor. To address my own personal issues, I attend counseling as needed. It is often recommended for anyone looking to pursue a career in counseling to seek their own counseling.

2) Psychotherapists have all the answers

This ties into the previous myth. Any therapist that claims to know all the answers, is lying to you. As trained professionals, we discover insight for what are healthier courses of action for our clients, but we can’t presume to know what the best choices are for any one person. That would require us to be all-knowing and to know the future. Instead we aim to give our clients the necessary skills and tools so that they are able to make the best decisions for themselves and learn how to cope, accept, and learn when they make mistakes. Of course in emergency situations (e.g. suicidal thoughts), the best action is always immediate intervention.

3) Psychotherapists are wealthy

Of course there are famous therapists that are monetarily wealthy, however they are exceptions and they are probably involved in various business pursuits outside of just providing face to face counseling. For your average psychotherapists in private practice, comfortable lifestyles are definitely within reach and even this involves branching out to a variety of business ventures (workshops, trainings, groups, supervision to name a few). With the cost of graduate school, student debt, and ongoing licensure requirements, it becomes much more important to branch out into other business venues. For those working at community agencies, living a comfortably becomes much more difficult.

4) Psychotherapists only care about the money

Refer to myth number 3. Any therapist can tell you that we did not pursue this field for the money. We become counselors because of a natural desire to help people and an interest in learning how the human psyche works.

5) Psychotherapists diagnose everyone

Any good therapist will tell you that a correct diagnosis requires a complete comprehensive assessment. Completing a comprehensive assessment requires a lot of time and at least for me, mental energy. In addition, it is completely unethical to do this with people you have personal relationships with. I know for myself that I have not nor have any interest in completing comprehensive assessments with family members, friends, or with everyone I meet.

What are common myths about psychotherapists you’ve heard?

The Importance of Self-Care

“Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation.”-Audrey Lorde

Learning and implementing the importance of self-care can feel like a constant balancing act. How does one make time for oneself when one is constantly being pushed in all directions? Work, relationships, and commitments all demand our time given the limited hours in a day. Making the time to do something that fills you up emotionally, physically, and or mentally is vital to making sure you can pursue those other things without burning out. It is hard to say no to extra demands or to put yourself first without feeling selfish.

Often times, I find that moms struggle with finding this balance. They find themselves feeling angry and exhausted and inadvertently take it out on others around them. When asked to spend some time doing things they enjoy, they struggle with feeling like they need to sacrifice themselves for their family. Remember that finding time for yourself to replenish will not only benefit you, but everyone around you. In the case of a burnt-out mother, your children will thank you for it.

Look at it this way, if you don’t put your need to recharge first, then everything and everyone else will only receive a small percent of you, because you won’t have anything else to give. By taking time to rejuvenate, you are in essence doing everything and everyone else a favor. When you focus on your needs, you will be able to give back 100% to your other commitments and people in your life. What good are you tired, irritable, or angry because you chose to rank other activities and or people ahead of yourself?

I find reading a good book or taking a hot shower helps me recharge after a long day of work.

Here are some other self-care ideas:

Exercise
Eating healthy
Meditation
Sleep
Medical care
Keeping a journal
Counseling

What is your self-care?

1 2 3 4