Wellness – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Resisting a materialistic culture

In a previous article, Spring Cleaning: Discarder’s Remorse, I discuss my goal of reducing the materials or “stuff” that in my life for greater inner peace of mind. This culture of materialism is one that has been on my mind more lately, specifically on how it adds to our feelings of sadness, anxiety, self-loathing, emptiness, and more severely Depression.

In his blog article titled Living in an Age of Melancholy: When Society Becomes Depressed–By DOUGLAS BLOCH talks about this very issue. He does a great job outlining the very ways that our society impacts and promotes a negative life.

Douglas Bloch writes that we can no longer afford to view depression solely as a problem of the person. To end the worldwide epidemic of depression, we must combine individual psychological therapies with new social and economic systems that respect the earth and more fairly distribute the worlds resources.This sounds like a daunting task, but there are ways that we can each reduce the effects our culture continues to have.

Spread awareness

Having a blog about social issues you are passionate about is a great way to spread the word about your ideas. This brings together a community of other like-minded people and it’s an excellent platform to share ideas for implementing change.

Donate & Volunteer

Where you choose to spend your time indicates what you value most. Your most important currency is time and choosing to spend it for a cause your believe in that involves helping others is an excellent way to reject a culture focused on materials.

Evaluate the stuff you have in your life

Take a look at your closet. Do you find that you have 10 or more different pairs of shoes, pants, shirts, towels…? Is it necessary to have an excess of materials for you to live? I’m not saying you need to have one pant and one shirt or become a monk. I am saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in buying more to keep up an image that we forget what’s important in life. Do those “things” really make you happy or are you trying to fill a hole in your heart? Many people enjoy “retail therapy” but never address the real problem they are covering. You owe it to yourself to spend the time and do the emotional work of discovering what needs to change in your life. You don’t have to do this alone as there are counselors that can guide you through the process.

Shop from companies with pro-social values

It’s sad to learn that your favorite company employs poor citizens of a foreign country to sell their products to you at a premium. As consumers we have the power to force change on these companies, we just have to put our money where our values are.

Resist traditions focused on consumerism (ex. Black Friday)

Why not spend the time with family or start a new tradition and donate food at a food pantry?

Join local groups to start change

Websites like Meetup have groups focused on political ideas and social justice. They schedule regular meetings or events where you can take part and meet other people interested in same things you are

Create a local group to create change if one doesn’t already exist

Creating and running a group on a site like Meetup does have a cost, you can recover this by asking for donations from members or even adding a membership fee to cover annual costs. Meetup.com is not the only platform you can use to create a group. You can create a website solely dedicated to your cause using WordPress which is free.

Travel to impoverished countries

I believe traveling is a form of education. You experience new cultures and ways of life that are different from your own. By traveling you gain knowledge of the struggles that exist in the world.

It isn’t easy, but taking small steps in your life not only influences those around you but it also increases the positivity in your life. Feeling good about what you’re doing also impacts your self-esteem and view of your place in the world.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

The Love Dare-Unconditional Love Couples Counseling Confident Counseling Couples Counseling Northborough MA

Vitamin D Deficiency- The Secret Depression

Fall has officially started and for some of us, the leaves are changing and the nights are getting colder. The days are getting shorter and that means less sun exposure. Surprisingly, lack of sun can lead to medical problems that may mimic the symptoms of depression. I’m speaking about Vitamin D Deficiency- the secret depression.

This time last year I noticed that regardless of the number of hours I would sleep (sometimes 10+ on the weekends) I would still feel sluggish and exhausted. As a result of the fatigue I was irritable and had no interest in doing much of anything. It was physically painful getting up for work each morning that I ended up missing more days than I would have liked. At first glance you might think of depression but as a counselor I knew this was something else.

I immediately called my doctor and scheduled blood work tests. A couple of months later I received my lab results and found I had a Vitamin D Deficiency, specifically D3.

Here is a snippet from a MedicineNet.com article:

“Vitamin D is one of the four fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E, and K). There are two forms of vitamin D, D2 and D3. Vitamin D2, also known as ergocalciferol, comes from fortified foods, plant foods, and supplements. Vitamin D3, also known as cholecalciferol, comes from fortified foods, animal foods (fatty fish, cod liver oil, eggs, and liver), supplements, and can be made internally when your skin is exposed to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from the sun.” According to the vitamindcouncil.org and the Mayoclinic, there are several factors that can increase your risk of Vitamin D Deficiency such as where you live, skin color, and weight.

With my doctor’s guidance, I began taking my recommended vitamin and within a week I felt back to normal. I share this because it’s important to understand how underlying medical issues can imitate symptoms of mood disorders like depression. I definitely don’t suggest everyone stay out in the sun all day every day but I do recommend speaking with your doctor to rule out medical conditions for symptoms that appear to be mood disorders.

What Are Your Boundaries?

Last time I shared one simple assertiveness technique The Broken Record to use when someone insists on having you do something that you can’t or don’t want to do. Before you can be effective with assertive techniques, it is important for you to know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries are like imaginary lines between you and others. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. In order for you to have healthy boundaries you have to know your feelings and values as they relate to yourself and others.

Here are some examples:

Psychological – Do you take other people’s comments personally? Do you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s negative feelings or problems? Are you aware of your own feelings?
Material– What do you think of lending or giving things to others (e.g. money, car, clothes, etc..) and what does that look like for you?
Mental – What do you believe in? What are your opinions?
Physical – Who can give you a hug/kiss/handshake? What are feelings about sharing your space with other people?
Sexual– What is your comfort level around sexual activity?
Spiritual– What are your beliefs around a higher power/faith?

Boundaries protect your well-being and can change over time. When you know what your boundaries are, you know when and why you need to assert yourself.

Assertiveness: Simple Technique Anyone Can Try

I specialize in assertiveness training and enjoy seeing clients stop being taken advantage of in their life. One of the most common struggles they face is being unable to say “no” without feeling selfish or guilty. They tell me “I’m always taken advantage”, or “my friends know to call me for everything,” or “I can’t say no to my family and now I resent them.”

One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

How it works is that you find a sentence saying that you can’t do something and you keep repeating it when asked why.

Here is an example:

A friend asks Sara to lend them $100. Now Sara has the money but needs it to pay her bills in a few days. Sara says: “I’m sorry but I can’t give you $100 right now.”

Her friend might then say: “but why not, I really need it?”
Sara replies: “I wish I could but I can’t give you the money right now”
Her friend: “I will pay you back as soon as I can.”
Sara replies: “Unfortunately, I don’t have $100 to give you right now.”

As you see, Sara repeated her reason over and over while keeping the conversation from getting too personal. This method can be effective and is simple to practice.

Now if the person you are talking to becomes angry or disrespectful then it might be best to leave and think about the future of that relationship.

If you would like more specialized training around assertiveness skills, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Ways To Feel Better Now

Looking for a pick-me-up? There are those days where it is so much easier to focus on the negativity in our life. “What isn’t working, how it could better if only this or that changed…” I dare you to try this quick exercise to get an instant boost of positive energy and feel better now.

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

1) Remind yourself that every thing you do is a choice.

2) For every negative thought you have replace with a blessing in your life (I can see and read this article with eyes that work) :p

3) Call up a positive person in your life

4) Get outside for some fresh air and sun

5) Release any physical tension you have by stretching and/or exercising (e.g. brisk walk)

For long-term or chronic symptoms please seek professional help.

Feel free to add your own quick ways to feel better now.