Northborough MA Depression Anxiety Couples Counseling – Page 2

Resisting a materialistic culture

In a previous article, Spring Cleaning: Discarder’s Remorse, I discuss my goal of reducing the materials or “stuff” that in my life for greater inner peace of mind. This culture of materialism is one that has been on my mind more lately, specifically on how it adds to our feelings of sadness, anxiety, self-loathing, emptiness, and more severely Depression.

In his blog article titled Living in an Age of Melancholy: When Society Becomes Depressed–By DOUGLAS BLOCH talks about this very issue. He does a great job outlining the very ways that our society impacts and promotes a negative life.

Douglas Bloch writes that we can no longer afford to view depression solely as a problem of the person. To end the worldwide epidemic of depression, we must combine individual psychological therapies with new social and economic systems that respect the earth and more fairly distribute the worlds resources.This sounds like a daunting task, but there are ways that we can each reduce the effects our culture continues to have.

Spread awareness

Having a blog about social issues you are passionate about is a great way to spread the word about your ideas. This brings together a community of other like-minded people and it’s an excellent platform to share ideas for implementing change.

Donate & Volunteer

Where you choose to spend your time indicates what you value most. Your most important currency is time and choosing to spend it for a cause your believe in that involves helping others is an excellent way to reject a culture focused on materials.

Evaluate the stuff you have in your life

Take a look at your closet. Do you find that you have 10 or more different pairs of shoes, pants, shirts, towels…? Is it necessary to have an excess of materials for you to live? I’m not saying you need to have one pant and one shirt or become a monk. I am saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in buying more to keep up an image that we forget what’s important in life. Do those “things” really make you happy or are you trying to fill a hole in your heart? Many people enjoy “retail therapy” but never address the real problem they are covering. You owe it to yourself to spend the time and do the emotional work of discovering what needs to change in your life. You don’t have to do this alone as there are counselors that can guide you through the process.

Shop from companies with pro-social values

It’s sad to learn that your favorite company employs poor citizens of a foreign country to sell their products to you at a premium. As consumers we have the power to force change on these companies, we just have to put our money where our values are.

Resist traditions focused on consumerism (ex. Black Friday)

Why not spend the time with family or start a new tradition and donate food at a food pantry?

Join local groups to start change

Websites like Meetup have groups focused on political ideas and social justice. They schedule regular meetings or events where you can take part and meet other people interested in same things you are

Create a local group to create change if one doesn’t already exist

Creating and running a group on a site like Meetup does have a cost, you can recover this by asking for donations from members or even adding a membership fee to cover annual costs. Meetup.com is not the only platform you can use to create a group. You can create a website solely dedicated to your cause using WordPress which is free.

Travel to impoverished countries

I believe traveling is a form of education. You experience new cultures and ways of life that are different from your own. By traveling you gain knowledge of the struggles that exist in the world.

It isn’t easy, but taking small steps in your life not only influences those around you but it also increases the positivity in your life. Feeling good about what you’re doing also impacts your self-esteem and view of your place in the world.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

Truths Of Road Rage

If you’ve ever been in traffic then you’ve probably witnessed or personally felt road rage. Actually if you’ve ever been in a car then you’ve probably come across it. I hate to admit it but I had a recent experience with road rage. This encounter allowed me to learn several truths of road rage.

I was driving home from work in heavy traffic when I was second in line for the toll booth. Another car in a different lane began inching their way next time. As I was next in line I began moving forward when the other car started speeding up while moving closer to me. At this point I realized this car was intent on cutting me and I instantly felt disrespected at their transgression. As sped up, so did he. It was then that I realized we were both losing road and one of us would end up hitting the concrete wall of the booth. I slowed down and let the other car pass.

Immediately I felt stupid for acting so childish over such a trivial situation because I felt the driver cut me in line. I spent the rest of my drive reflecting on this moment and realised several important realizations.

Just how vulnerable we are to your emotions
How much weight we place on daily transgressions
The importance of mindfulness

It was the moment of awareness, being present and analyzing/challenging my thoughts, that saved me from an accident. Since then I take a few moments to breathe and remind myself that I’m happy to be alive, I’m small in this world with so many humans, and that everyone has their story. For all I know that other driver was having a bad day. Either way, just like me he is a human being that is vulnerable to the human condition.

What Can I Expect From Counseling?

If you are in counseling or are thinking of starting, you may have asked yourself “What can I expect from Counseling?” With how the media portrays counseling, it isn’t surprising to have questions or even concerns about what counseling will be like for you.

Of course it is important to understand that counseling is only as effective as you make it. What I mean is that most of the work done in counseling actually comes from you, the client. Imagine the counselor as a guide showing you alternative ways of approaching situations or handling your problems. You as the client have to choose one and carry it out. If you aren’t following through or actively participating, then counseling will be ineffective.

Here are expectations to have for counseling

You should expect to increase your awareness of what is causing your struggles and what the roadblocks are.
You will be taught new skills and tools to manage your struggles in the present and for the future.
Understanding the limits of confidentiality, you can expect a safe place to talk about anything and everything that is on your mind. The limits being that the counselor has a legal obligation to report risk of suicide, homicide or current child or elder abuse. Privacy can also be compromised depending also on whether you have an active court case or if you use your health insurance.
You shouldn’t feel judged or worry about scaring the counselor with what you have to share.
You should expect to work with a trained professional or have them refer you to someone who will be able to better serve you should they not have the right training or skills to help with your issues.
You should feel hope and relief after your sessions.
You may feel discomfort and emotional pain depending on what and how severe your struggles are.
You should expect to feel “contained” by the end of your counseling sessions and not left unstable or vulnerable.
- This is important for clients with trauma. As a result, your counselor may wait to discuss a difficult subject at the start of a future session and not at the middle or end.
You should expect an environment where are you free to express positive and negative feedback about your counselor’s style or direction of treatment without worrying that they will get upset or offended.

Effective counseling promotes your growth as a person and healing from pain.

What Will My First Counseling Session Be Like?

I’ve been asked this question from prospective clients and I have asked this question myself before. It can be scary to admit that you aren’t able to solve everything on your own which is why it makes sense that you want to know “What will my first counseling session be like?” Even though the counselor you contact is an identified professional, they are still a complete stranger.

If you are curious about what the first counseling session will be like for yourself or for someone else, I hope this information will encourage you to try counseling or recommend it to someone you know.

First Session:

Plan to spend 60-90 minutes with a counselor during the first session (intake).
You’ll fill out forms that ask about your contact information, possible screens to check for symptoms and flag follow-up questions.
The counselor will discuss your privacy rights, limits to confidentiality, cancellation policies and any other administrative policies.
You will answer questions about your day-to-day activities, what concerns you have, medical conditions, medications, family relationships & history, your experience with past counseling if applicable.
The counselor will share their specialties, professional training, and clinical style (short-term or long-term, homework vs. no homework).
The counselor will make recommendations for treatment options and frequency of sessions that you can either agree or disagree with.

Now underneath all the formal details, you should feel safe to open up without judgment, feel comfortable being in the counselor’s presence and in their office space, and you should leave the first session with a sense of hope that therapy will help you reach your goals. Good counselors will tell you right away if they are not qualified to work with your particular issues and will make recommendations for someone more qualified.

If you feel judged, dislike the counselor’s personality, or realize the counselor doesn’t have the qualifications to work well with you, please find another counselor. There is no point in staying with a counselor if you don’t feel comfortable or trust them enough to open up about difficult topics.

I hope you found this information helpful. Stay tuned for next time as I discuss what you can expect from counseling beyond the first session. Feel free to leave questions or comments below.

What Are Your Boundaries?

Last time I shared one simple assertiveness technique The Broken Record to use when someone insists on having you do something that you can’t or don’t want to do. Before you can be effective with assertive techniques, it is important for you to know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries are like imaginary lines between you and others. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. In order for you to have healthy boundaries you have to know your feelings and values as they relate to yourself and others.

Here are some examples:

Psychological – Do you take other people’s comments personally? Do you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s negative feelings or problems? Are you aware of your own feelings?
Material– What do you think of lending or giving things to others (e.g. money, car, clothes, etc..) and what does that look like for you?
Mental – What do you believe in? What are your opinions?
Physical – Who can give you a hug/kiss/handshake? What are feelings about sharing your space with other people?
Sexual– What is your comfort level around sexual activity?
Spiritual– What are your beliefs around a higher power/faith?

Boundaries protect your well-being and can change over time. When you know what your boundaries are, you know when and why you need to assert yourself.

Assertiveness: Simple Technique Anyone Can Try

I specialize in assertiveness training and enjoy seeing clients stop being taken advantage of in their life. One of the most common struggles they face is being unable to say “no” without feeling selfish or guilty. They tell me “I’m always taken advantage”, or “my friends know to call me for everything,” or “I can’t say no to my family and now I resent them.”

One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

How it works is that you find a sentence saying that you can’t do something and you keep repeating it when asked why.

Here is an example:

A friend asks Sara to lend them $100. Now Sara has the money but needs it to pay her bills in a few days. Sara says: “I’m sorry but I can’t give you $100 right now.”

Her friend might then say: “but why not, I really need it?”
Sara replies: “I wish I could but I can’t give you the money right now”
Her friend: “I will pay you back as soon as I can.”
Sara replies: “Unfortunately, I don’t have $100 to give you right now.”

As you see, Sara repeated her reason over and over while keeping the conversation from getting too personal. This method can be effective and is simple to practice.

Now if the person you are talking to becomes angry or disrespectful then it might be best to leave and think about the future of that relationship.

If you would like more specialized training around assertiveness skills, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Ways To Feel Better Now

Looking for a pick-me-up? There are those days where it is so much easier to focus on the negativity in our life. “What isn’t working, how it could better if only this or that changed…” I dare you to try this quick exercise to get an instant boost of positive energy and feel better now.

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

1) Remind yourself that every thing you do is a choice.

2) For every negative thought you have replace with a blessing in your life (I can see and read this article with eyes that work) :p

3) Call up a positive person in your life

4) Get outside for some fresh air and sun

5) Release any physical tension you have by stretching and/or exercising (e.g. brisk walk)

For long-term or chronic symptoms please seek professional help.

Feel free to add your own quick ways to feel better now.

5 Common Myths About Psychotherapists

Over the years I have discovered common beliefs/myths that are held about psychotherapists. Here are common myths about psychotherapists. Hopefully this post will break the ones I have come across.

1) Psychotherapists are perfect

We are only human and make mistakes. I have had family members question how I can struggle with my own personal issues as a counselor. As a human being, I am not perfect and it is difficult if not impossible to be my own counselor. To address my own personal issues, I attend counseling as needed. It is often recommended for anyone looking to pursue a career in counseling to seek their own counseling.

2) Psychotherapists have all the answers

This ties into the previous myth. Any therapist that claims to know all the answers, is lying to you. As trained professionals, we discover insight for what are healthier courses of action for our clients, but we can’t presume to know what the best choices are for any one person. That would require us to be all-knowing and to know the future. Instead we aim to give our clients the necessary skills and tools so that they are able to make the best decisions for themselves and learn how to cope, accept, and learn when they make mistakes. Of course in emergency situations (e.g. suicidal thoughts), the best action is always immediate intervention.

3) Psychotherapists are wealthy

Of course there are famous therapists that are monetarily wealthy, however they are exceptions and they are probably involved in various business pursuits outside of just providing face to face counseling. For your average psychotherapists in private practice, comfortable lifestyles are definitely within reach and even this involves branching out to a variety of business ventures (workshops, trainings, groups, supervision to name a few). With the cost of graduate school, student debt, and ongoing licensure requirements, it becomes much more important to branch out into other business venues. For those working at community agencies, living a comfortably becomes much more difficult.

4) Psychotherapists only care about the money

Refer to myth number 3. Any therapist can tell you that we did not pursue this field for the money. We become counselors because of a natural desire to help people and an interest in learning how the human psyche works.

5) Psychotherapists diagnose everyone

Any good therapist will tell you that a correct diagnosis requires a complete comprehensive assessment. Completing a comprehensive assessment requires a lot of time and at least for me, mental energy. In addition, it is completely unethical to do this with people you have personal relationships with. I know for myself that I have not nor have any interest in completing comprehensive assessments with family members, friends, or with everyone I meet.

What are common myths about psychotherapists you’ve heard?

1 2 3