Doubt – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Impostor Syndrome-Do you feel like a fraud?

It’s the first day of your new job and you’re excited yet nervous for all that lies ahead. Here you are. You worked hard, probably even over-prepared for this moment, yet you immediately worry that everyone will find out you really don’t belong here. Even though you didn’t lie on your resume, you feel you don’t deserve this. How can they possibly believe you do?

You feel like you fooled everyone into thinking you’re competent, like you “tricked” them. Does this sound familiar? During a moment of success have you doubted yourself or felt that it wasn’t a big deal? It is extremely frustrating to go through moments like this especially when you see others placing confidence in you while you feel like a “fake.” You’re always on the guard, worried that others will “find you out” and realize you’re not worthy.

This phenomenon, Impostor Syndrome is common in perfectionists and overachievers who aren’t able to internalize and accept their success. These people have unrealistically high standards for themselves that it is difficult to meet their own goals. Even when they do reach them, they are more prone to attribute their success to luck than their own skills. This type of intellectual self-doubt is often paired with anxiety and/or depression.

Many people who feel like impostors grew up in families that placed a big emphasis on achievement. Specifically, parents who send mixed messages by alternating between over-praise and criticism can increase the risk of fraudulent feelings developing. Living in a society that focuses on achievements adds to the problem. The result is confusion between approval, love, and worthiness. Self-worth becomes on achieving.

Those struggling with Impostor Syndrome may avoid applying for promotions, for more responsibility and suffer from higher stress. How can you break this pattern?

Challenge your thoughts

You will discover that at the root of your self-doubt is a negative core belief that you’re not good enough. Ask yourself, when will I ever be good enough? What does good enough mean? Challenge this negative thought by finding evidence in favor of it and against it. It helps to ask yourself would I think this of a love one if they were in my shoes? If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you think this way of yourself.

Accept imperfection

Recognize that nobody is perfect. Practice letting go of high standards by doing a “good enough” job and walking away. Make time to appreciate your hard work and create rewards for yourself for completed tasks.

Recognize your strengths

List out the skills you have and learn to accept that you are good at certain things which have value. Yes, there will always be someone better at something, however that doesn’t make your strengths any less important because they are unique to you.

Talk to others about this

Being open and sharing this struggle with those you trust is a way to create awareness for others. They may even help you recognize when you’re engaging thoughts of self-doubt that need challenging. If it is difficult to work on this on your own, consider contacting a counselor to learn skills and challenge negative thinking pattern together. If you struggle with anxiety and depression, a professional will teach you how to cope in a healthy and effective way.

Help your teen heal after sexual assault Teen counseling Northborough MA

How to help your teen heal after sexual assault

Being the victim of sexual assault is one of the worst things anyone can experience. Discovering that your teen was a victim of sexual assault is the worst thing any parent can hear. Anger, sadness, shock, blame, and helplessness are familiar feelings where you’ll wonder what you could have done to prevent this from happening to your child. While you’re struggling to deal with this wave of emotions, it can seem daunting to understand the best way to help your teen.

As a counselor in private practice, I have worked with several teens that have been sexually assaulted and have worked closely with their parents on how to cope and be the best support possible. I hope this article helps you be the person your child needs.

It’s important to contact the police and take your teenager to the hospital to get the necessary medical care and a rape kit completed. Your child may disagree with going to the authorities initially, however that might change later with time. By going to the authorities, you have a higher chance of preventing this perpetrator from sexually assaulting another person.

An important message for you to convey is that you are here to listen. It is common for sexual abuse survivors to blame themselves, hesitate to tell family for fear of hurting them, or feel stupid for “allowing” this to happen to them. The best thing anyone can do is offer genuine support without any judgments. Do your best to enforce the message that your teen is not to blame regardless of what they were wearing or doing.

Creating a safe place where your child can express all their feelings around the trauma is key. It can be helpful to share your experiences with these emotions as a way of normalizing them for them. Just be careful to not make this be about yourself and stay focused on their feelings. Offer ideas that might help them such as finding counseling, going away together, discussing the loss around the trauma and the meaning. I have worked with teens that were virgins when they were raped and discussing this loss was an important part of their healing. They often worried about having future conversations around how they lost virginity. Support their worries and brainstorm solutions to them.

Find counseling for yourself. This is helpful for two reasons 1) it takes away the negative bias for your teen to see you go into counseling which could promote them to see a counselor too and 2) you will benefit from getting support around how to cope with all the feelings you are facing around this traumatic news. It is important to continue going about your daily routine like before. Right now your teen’s world is upside down and the more normal the rest of the world seems the safer they will feel. If you start to panic and allow yourself to fall into a depressive state, your teen might spiral out of control too. Thus counseling for yourself will help you have an outlet for the spiral of emotions you are facing.

Watch out for extreme behavioral changes like isolating, depressive comments or suicidal remarks. It is common for people to engage in self-harm behaviors like cutting, burning self, promiscuous sex, and substance abuse after traumatic events as a way of coping and gaining back control. Talking to your teen about your concerns in a supportive non-judgmental way will increase their chances of listening to your ideas for help.

Research the consequences of self-harming behaviors such as cutting becoming addictive and a source of future shame if there are scars. Teens often don’t realize the long-term effects of their actions and are often surprised to know that it can become addictive. Try to discover what is triggering them and offer suggestions for ways they can release their emotions such as drawing, hitting something, screaming, going for a walk, taking a hot shower, etc. There are a variety of pleasurable activities that someone can engage in as alternatives to cutting.

Search for teen groups for survivors of sexual support and offer to go with them if they would like. The Rainn (Rape, Abuse and incest National Network) is a great resource for information and finding local groups. Finding others that have gone through similar experiences will be a great way for your teenager to relate to others and get their feelings out and not bottle them in. Recommend counseling for them and offer to attend with them for added support.

If they are engaging in dangerous behaviors or have suicidal thoughts, please take them to your local Emergency Mental Health Department or Emergency Room.

Remember that it’s normal to feel lost and confused. What just happened is not a normal circumstance and so you are having a normal reaction or an abnormal situation. You don’t have to face this with your teen alone, please call a counselor for individual or family guidance. If you can take away any message from this article it is for you to listen to your child, talk to them, validate their emotions, and find support for both of you during this difficult time.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

When Someone Doubts You

I’ve had several experiences in my life where someone in a leadership position has doubted my ability. The first time I was in High School. My history teacher refused to approve me from taking an Honors level history class the following year after saying, “I don’t think you’re capable.”

The next time was from my supervisor at a Community Agency I worked at as a counselor. I created my schedule and was only reimbursed when I saw clients. The paperwork was prohibitive and the pay was poor. After almost 3 years I decided that I would start my private practice and cut down the amount of time at the agency. When I informed my supervisor, she responded by saying “It’s too hard and I don’t think you’re ready.” She didn’t offer any suggestions to help towards my goal but instead suggested I close the chapter before opening the book.

Now keep in mind that I had been working with clients with every disorder possible including severe psychotic disorders. I don’t know about other counselors, but I find it extremely difficult to have a successful session while someone is actively hallucinating. Instead of realizing how her fears were being projected unto me, I started to question and doubt my dream and myself.

Then something clicked for me. I was accepting the doubt from someone who had never pursued this dream, someone who had never tried.

A year earlier I had talked about private practice with this supervisor and she shared how she never bothered to go into private practice because it was too difficult and not worth it. Of course it’s difficult, starting your own business will be. In a search for inspiration I reached out to a local counselor, Marina Williams, who was successful with her own private practice and who wrote a blog I follow. Click here to read her blog. Prepare for some excellent and insightful writing.

I reached out to her because I realized it made more sense to ask for advice from a person that is already doing what I hoped to accomplish. What do I have to gain from someone who never bothered trying out of fear? More fear and self-doubt.

Marina responded and shared that she faced a similar reaction from her supervisor at a community agency. Marina assured me that if I was ready to work for a community agency, then I was definitely ready to work for myself seeing clients with far less severe problems. Even though Marina had never met me, I realized I had placed too much value in what negative people thought of me and my abilities. Only I knew what I was capable of and I was the one daring to take the risk.

If you have a passion and people express doubt in your ability, question their motives. Are they coming from place of caring or fear? If they are coming from a place of care, then they will most likely offer suggestions to help you follow your dream, not tell you to give up. Have they followed any of their dreams? If not, then the following quote is perfect as a response.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

When someone doubts you, reach out to those that have already blazed the path you are interested in. They will serve as a better guide. Connect with positive people who will share inspiration and words of wisdom. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something you have a passion for.