couples counseling – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Love Dare-Unconditional Love

Do we really know how to love unconditionally? As a couples counselor, I see many couples come in expressing disillusionment with their partner’s inability to meet their needs. As a result many of them stop trying meet their partner’s needs and it becomes this hostage situation around who will give in first. What happened to loving your partner unconditionally?

Is this even possible for us to do? The best example of this I can think of is between parents and their children. When asked why we love our parents or children it usually doesn’t go beyond “Well because they are my mom, or my dad, or my kid.” I don’t typically hear this when it comes to couples. Usually when you ask why they love their partner, the answer is followed with, “They listen to me, they care, they take care of me…” but aren’t all of these things that they do for you? What about loving them just because?

There is a book that has challenged me to love my husband unconditionally and it is called The Love Dare by Kendrick. It asks me to complete one new dare each and every day around learning what love means and how to apply it in my marriage. It is a Christian book and if you’re open to it, I highly encourage you to the challenge. Many people will be turned off by this but yet many wedding vows take from the bible specifically Corinthians “Love is patient, Love is kind…”. I’m curious if attempted, will you regret it?

One woman I dared to apply this dare influenced her marriage so much that after a couple of months they were no longer contemplating divorce. I’m not suggesting that this dare will change your imperfect partner into a perfect one. I am suggesting that by doing this challenge you will change to be a better partner to your imperfect one.

Dating Red Flags

Relationships bring companionship and love into people’s lives. However, not all relationships are healthy and there are quite a few red flags you should keep an eye out for when dating. It is important to know the boundaries between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. Here are common dating red flags you should be aware of:

Listen to how they speak about past relationships.

If your partner speaks very highly of their ex or if they constantly talk poorly about them, It can be a sign that they are still invested in their past relationship or that they are a bitter person.

Is your partner proud of you?

If they never bring you around their friends or their friends still don’t know who you are, it could be they are ashamed of you or the relationship. Either way don’t ignore your instict on this one.

Keeping score constantly.

Someone who constantly keeps score of who did what in a relationship is probably someone who often tries to guilt trip others. Keeping score will quickly build anger and resent in a relationship.

Your partner uses sex for gain.

Someone who uses sex as a reward or withholds it as a punishment is manipulative. This is manipulation and over steps all boundaries a relationship should follow.

They never put effort into the relationship.

It is obvious whether someone wants to be with another person. If you are feeling pretty one-side in a relationship, it won’t be healthy for you to stick around with someone who will leave once something “better” comes along.

Your partner cannot apologize.

Everyone makes a mistake now and again, but the mature thing to do is accept your faults, apologize, and move on. If your partner can neither apologize or accept you’ve made a mistake, run.

If you argue, they get hurtful.

People tend to disagree, that’s normal. What is NOT normal is when someone who says they love you brings up hurtful comments if you get into a disagreement. Red flags like this one can signal abuse.

They are violent.

If you are disagreeing or just going about your business and your partner is verbally, emotionally, or physically violent, no matter what you did, you did not deserve it. It is difficult to get out of a situation like this but you will be much safer once you are free.

They always attempt to change who you are.

Constantly overstepping boundaries by trying to change the person you are is not okay. The person you are with should be with you because they like the person you are, not to mold you into someone else.

They don’t listen to you.

Whether you are trying to tell them you like your food cooked a different way or something else entirely, your partner should listen and take the feedback well. If your partner gets mad that you are trying to tell them something, that’s a bad sign.

Listen to the way they speak.

If you are always hearing them using “My/Me/I” statements and never using “We/US”, they probably don’t see a future with you; on the other hand, they could just be nervous you don’t feel the same way.

They always guilt you into doing things.

Whether they try to guilt you into having sex or spending time with them, you need to set boundaries up really quickly.

They attempt to control every aspect of your life.

It is one thing to help someone when asked but it is an entirely other thing when a significant other tries to tell you exactly what to do.

They are always flaking out on you.

This stands true especially when you first start dating. If you make plans and they are always cancelling last minute, you probably are not high on their priority list.

Your loved ones don’t like them.

Your loved ones look out for you and they know you well. If these people who get along with you and are close to you don’t like the person you are with, they may not be the right one for you.

Chances are, if you searched for this article, you could be in an unhealthy relationship. Your subconscious picks up on signals you might not even notice and can lead you to find out more. If you are in an unsafe or doomed relationship, it is okay to get out. You deserve dating someone who will put effort into being with you and that actually enjoys spending time with you as much as you enjoy spending time with them. Love doesn’t have to hurt.

Signs Your Partner Is a Narcissist

The term narcissism has to do with a belief that oneself is more important than others. It comes from the story of Narcissus, who, in Greek mythology, was a handsome young man who was so proud of his good looks that he ignored the people who admired him. One day, he saw his reflection in a pool of water, and he was so impressed with his beauty that he could not stop looking at himself, until he eventually died.

In Psychology, narcissism does not specifically refer to people who are excessively proud of their physical appearance or their abilities. The identifying characteristics of narcissism are people who focus more on their own feelings than the feelings of others.

There is such a thing as a healthy level of narcissism which is healthy self-esteem. It is normal for young children to “act as though the world revolves around them”, but as they grow up, their self-concept develops with others by empathy. They value themselves neither too little nor too much.

As for unhealthy narcissism, its most extreme form is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which affects about 1% of the total population. It can affect people of both sexes, but is diagnosed more often in men. People with pathological narcissism think that the rules of society do not apply to them, and they behave as such. While many of them come across as arrogant and cruel, most of them have low self-esteem and are insecure.

Sandy Hotchkiss has described seven “deadly sins” of narcissism:

Shamelessness – Narcissistic people behave the way they do to cover feelings of shame.
Magical thinking – Narcissistic people attribute causal relationships to unrelated events, which can include blaming people for things they did not do or events they could not control.
Arrogance – Narcissistic people cover up their insecurity by acting as though they are perfect and can do no wrong.
Envy – Narcissistic people often compare themselves to other people and belittle other people’s accomplishments.
Entitlement – Narcissistic people take offense when people fail to recognize them as superior or to let them have their way. They get very angry when criticized.
Exploitation- Narcissistic people take advantage of other people without remorse.
Lack of boundaries – Narcissistic people do not empathize or see things from other people’s point of view.

In a relationship, here are the most common symptoms that you should watch out for:

They have no respect for your space. Asking for space might be a little difficult for people with partners that have narcissistic behavior. They feel like they have power over you, and they always have a say with your decisions in life.
Their reputation is very important. People with narcissism do not mingle with those people who will taint their reputation. They are also very protective and concerned about what other people might think about them.
They are naturally bossy because they believe they know best.
They are insensitive towards your feelings. They don’t purposely do it. It just comes out naturally. They won’t be able to care about your feelings, simply because they are too caught up in their own drama in life, and they only care about themselves.
They have a sense of superiority towards everything. They believe they are above boundaries and so you will notice they violate boundaries you create.
They naturally dominate spaces, especially conversation. They like to be the center of attention and feed their ego. If they are talking about you with their friends they like to boost their own ego by talking about what a wonderful trophy you are.
They are very interested in your relationship in the beginning but, with time they seem disinterested.
They think that showing their emotions is a sign of weakness. They also make you feel worse about yourself to make them feel superior and feed their ego.
For people with narcissistic disorder, they always believe that those around them either love and idolize them or are jealous of them.

It goes without saying that it is very difficult to sustain a relationship with a narcissistic person or to live with a narcissistic spouse or family member. Because narcissistic people lack insight they are unlikely to seek counseling or otherwise attempt to change their behavior. Instead, they blame their problems with interpersonal relationships on others.

Living with a narcissistic partner can be a huge challenge. It can erode your self-esteem, and you can start to blame yourself for all the problems in your relationship. Even if your partner refuses to go to counseling, you should consider seeking individual counseling to prevent further damage to your sense of self. It is impossible to change people who do not want to change, and you may have to accept that you cannot change your narcissistic partner.

Through counseling, you can learn ways to maintain your well-being in spite of your narcissistic partner’s poor treatment. Putting your life back together after years of narcissistic trauma is not easy, but you will be glad to have your life back.

When an Introvert and an Extrovert Date

They say opposites attract. But do they stay together and how do they make it work? According to one study, introverts make up about 30-50 percent of the population. The odds of an introvert and an extrovert dating is pretty high. Click here to learn more about what the differences between an extrovert and an introvert are. An extrovert regains energy from social interaction while an introvert recharges by being alone in their own heads. You can imagine that this poses several challenges for relationships where both partners have a differing need for social engagement. Here are few tips for couples struggling with these differences.

Understand your differences

The first important step for any partner in this type of relationship is to learn as much about their significant other’s personality. The more you understand how their personality trait impacts your relationship the greater the chance that you will be understanding and less likely to take their differences personally. For an extrovert, it is easy to think their introverted partner is “strange” or antisocial living in a world that idolizes extraversion. For an introvert, having a partner who wants the company of others can feel overwhelming and like rejection. As Francis Bacon said, “knowledge is power” and in this case it will give your relationship the power to reduce conflict.

Compromise and Balance

Ok so now both you and your partner understand each other better, but now what? You both still need a different amount of social interaction and alone time. The next step is to learn how to compromise so that both your needs are met. It is helpful for an introvert to have as much notice as possible about upcoming social events. For the last-minute plans, an introvert will appreciate having a predetermined time that the outing will end. For extroverts, it will be helpful for introverts to welcome extended outings without time limits. For this to work the introvert will benefit from staying home as the extroverts spends extended periods with others. The importance is about having balance to decrease resentment.

Acceptance

The most important step is learning how to accept your partner for who they are. It doesn’t help thinking of your partner as abnormal when introversion/extraversion is a personality trait that can’t be unlearned or changed. Instead harness the strengths you both bring to the table. Introverts are natural listeners and excel at deep one on one conversations. They are usually highly creative and are thorough in making decisions. Extroverts are excellent speakers and have a tendency to take risks. They are socially engaged and oftentimes the life of the party. Understanding these differences will allow you to use them at the best opportunities for optimal success.

After following these steps, you should have a greater sense of compassion and love for your partner. If the conflict is too great, please reach out to a professional who can assess and create a plan for addressing your concerns.

5 Ways To Tell You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship

There are several ways that relationships are unhealthy, “toxic”, or extremely abusive. Sometimes it’s difficult to notice the signs before it escalates and gets worse. Here are 5 ways to tell you are in an unhealthy relationship that I have come across in my practice in working with couples and individuals.

You feel confused after every argument

You are most likely being manipulated. Healthy disagreements should leave you feeling heard, understood, and there should be a mutual plan to move forward.

You feel controlled

You have to ask “permission” to do things without your partner or even to have access to your own things. There is a fine line between making decisions together and needing their approval.

You feel worse about yourself or are physically threatened or abused

It is usually harder to recognize emotional abuse because physical wounds aren’t left behind. If you notice that you are starting to feel incapable without that other person, then you might be getting emotionally abused.

You walk on eggshells

You should feel like you are free to speak your mind or make mistakes in a healthy relationship.

Your intuition tells you something is wrong

It’s common for our “gut” to pick up on feelings that we often ignore. With practice, you can learn to listen to your intuition and recognize unhealthy patterns sooner than later.

It’s common for our “gut” to pick up on feelings that we often ignore. With practice, you can learn to listen to your intuition and recognize unhealthy patterns sooner than later.

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