Counseling – Page 2 – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Assertiveness: Simple Technique Anyone Can Try

I specialize in assertiveness training and enjoy seeing clients stop being taken advantage of in their life. One of the most common struggles they face is being unable to say “no” without feeling selfish or guilty. They tell me “I’m always taken advantage”, or “my friends know to call me for everything,” or “I can’t say no to my family and now I resent them.”

One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

How it works is that you find a sentence saying that you can’t do something and you keep repeating it when asked why.

Here is an example:

A friend asks Sara to lend them $100. Now Sara has the money but needs it to pay her bills in a few days. Sara says: “I’m sorry but I can’t give you $100 right now.”

Her friend might then say: “but why not, I really need it?”
Sara replies: “I wish I could but I can’t give you the money right now”
Her friend: “I will pay you back as soon as I can.”
Sara replies: “Unfortunately, I don’t have $100 to give you right now.”

As you see, Sara repeated her reason over and over while keeping the conversation from getting too personal. This method can be effective and is simple to practice.

Now if the person you are talking to becomes angry or disrespectful then it might be best to leave and think about the future of that relationship.

If you would like more specialized training around assertiveness skills, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Ways To Feel Better Now

Looking for a pick-me-up? There are those days where it is so much easier to focus on the negativity in our life. “What isn’t working, how it could better if only this or that changed…” I dare you to try this quick exercise to get an instant boost of positive energy and feel better now.

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

1) Remind yourself that every thing you do is a choice.

2) For every negative thought you have replace with a blessing in your life (I can see and read this article with eyes that work) :p

3) Call up a positive person in your life

4) Get outside for some fresh air and sun

5) Release any physical tension you have by stretching and/or exercising (e.g. brisk walk)

For long-term or chronic symptoms please seek professional help.

Feel free to add your own quick ways to feel better now.

5 Common Myths About Psychotherapists

Over the years I have discovered common beliefs/myths that are held about psychotherapists. Here are common myths about psychotherapists. Hopefully this post will break the ones I have come across.

1) Psychotherapists are perfect

We are only human and make mistakes. I have had family members question how I can struggle with my own personal issues as a counselor. As a human being, I am not perfect and it is difficult if not impossible to be my own counselor. To address my own personal issues, I attend counseling as needed. It is often recommended for anyone looking to pursue a career in counseling to seek their own counseling.

2) Psychotherapists have all the answers

This ties into the previous myth. Any therapist that claims to know all the answers, is lying to you. As trained professionals, we discover insight for what are healthier courses of action for our clients, but we can’t presume to know what the best choices are for any one person. That would require us to be all-knowing and to know the future. Instead we aim to give our clients the necessary skills and tools so that they are able to make the best decisions for themselves and learn how to cope, accept, and learn when they make mistakes. Of course in emergency situations (e.g. suicidal thoughts), the best action is always immediate intervention.

3) Psychotherapists are wealthy

Of course there are famous therapists that are monetarily wealthy, however they are exceptions and they are probably involved in various business pursuits outside of just providing face to face counseling. For your average psychotherapists in private practice, comfortable lifestyles are definitely within reach and even this involves branching out to a variety of business ventures (workshops, trainings, groups, supervision to name a few). With the cost of graduate school, student debt, and ongoing licensure requirements, it becomes much more important to branch out into other business venues. For those working at community agencies, living a comfortably becomes much more difficult.

4) Psychotherapists only care about the money

Refer to myth number 3. Any therapist can tell you that we did not pursue this field for the money. We become counselors because of a natural desire to help people and an interest in learning how the human psyche works.

5) Psychotherapists diagnose everyone

Any good therapist will tell you that a correct diagnosis requires a complete comprehensive assessment. Completing a comprehensive assessment requires a lot of time and at least for me, mental energy. In addition, it is completely unethical to do this with people you have personal relationships with. I know for myself that I have not nor have any interest in completing comprehensive assessments with family members, friends, or with everyone I meet.

What are common myths about psychotherapists you’ve heard?

The Importance of Self-Care

“Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation.”-Audrey Lorde

Learning and implementing the importance of self-care can feel like a constant balancing act. How does one make time for oneself when one is constantly being pushed in all directions? Work, relationships, and commitments all demand our time given the limited hours in a day. Making the time to do something that fills you up emotionally, physically, and or mentally is vital to making sure you can pursue those other things without burning out. It is hard to say no to extra demands or to put yourself first without feeling selfish.

Often times, I find that moms struggle with finding this balance. They find themselves feeling angry and exhausted and inadvertently take it out on others around them. When asked to spend some time doing things they enjoy, they struggle with feeling like they need to sacrifice themselves for their family. Remember that finding time for yourself to replenish will not only benefit you, but everyone around you. In the case of a burnt-out mother, your children will thank you for it.

Look at it this way, if you don’t put your need to recharge first, then everything and everyone else will only receive a small percent of you, because you won’t have anything else to give. By taking time to rejuvenate, you are in essence doing everything and everyone else a favor. When you focus on your needs, you will be able to give back 100% to your other commitments and people in your life. What good are you tired, irritable, or angry because you chose to rank other activities and or people ahead of yourself?

I find reading a good book or taking a hot shower helps me recharge after a long day of work.

Here are some other self-care ideas:

Exercise
Eating healthy
Meditation
Sleep
Medical care
Keeping a journal
Counseling

What is your self-care?

Introversion and What It Looks Like

I believe that all human nature lies on a spectrum which includes everything from likes and dislikes, to personality traits and temperaments. By and large, humans are social creatures and we need each other to survive as a species. However, there is a difference in how much social interaction we each prefer and/or need. For those that lie close to the end of Introversion, it can be daunting to function in a world that seems to be made for extroverts.

If you know someone who is an introvert, it might feel confusion or frustrating when they become irritable in social situations or need to leave early. Let’s look at Introversion and what it is

Here is an image for those that like visuals.

As you see on this line, there is a spectrum going in each direction. There are people who lie closer to either end, and there are people who are closer to the middle. The closer you are towards the introvert end, the more likely you are to display the following traits:

Social Interaction

Has only a few close friends and are often mistaken for lacking social skills and being antisocial neither are true.
Does more listening than talking making them excellent listeners
Seems to be in their own world
Prefers to talk about deep conversations and dislikes “small talk”.
Tend to be quiet which is mistaken for shyness.
When introverts are tired, in a large group, or if too much is going on, they may show little animation, with little facial expression or body movement.
Need time to think before speaking

Social Preferences

Likes solitary activities, like reading, or activities with only a few people
Likes to spend time by themselves to “recharge”.
Tends to gravitate towards one on one interactions rather than being the center of attention even if it’s positive.
Prefers to have a plan when going out that is predictable and has an “exit” strategy

Emotions

May get irritable after spending a lot of time around other people
Feel emotionally drained after spending time with others, especially strangers.
Is more reserved about personal details
Highly sensitive to their environment and the emotions of other people
Introverts are also rather territorial. They dislike sharing space with others for too long and may find house guests intrusive.

Other Traits and Preferences

Introverts can concentrate intensely on a book or project for a long time if they find it interesting and like to explore subjects deeply and thoroughly.
Introverts are highly aware of their inner world of perceptions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings. They are also highly aware of their surroundings, noticing details that others don’t see.
Introverts also favor consistency over change, and cope with change best when they know ahead of time what to expect and have enough time to prepare for it.

If you are an introvert, it doesn’t mean that you display all of these traits, it just means there is a higher chance you do. Understanding yourself or your fellow introvert is the best way to accept and support yourself and others. The most important thing to realize is that we are all different and that being an introvert, extrovert, or in the middle comes with their own strengths.

Should You Go To Counseling?

I have encountered several prospective clients that have called me asking, “Is counseling right for me?” Many of them were referred by a loved one or have noticed their life falling apart around them without understanding why. My first question to them is, “Is there anything you would like to change or see changed in your life?” Often times they say yes, but don’t know where to begin or unsure how counseling can help.

If you find yourself contemplating whether you should try counseling, ask yourself the following questions.

Is there something you want to change in your life? Do you have the ability to bring about those changes? Do you know how to bring about the changes you would like to see? If you find you lack the skills or the control to make any changes, counseling can be beneficial.

Sometimes accepting what we cannot change can be difficult. For example, you may be frustrated with how your spouse or employer treats you and want them to change. Unfortunately for you, you can only change and control yourself. A counselor will help you learn to accept what you can’t change and teach you skills and ways to cope and react differently.

The hardest part in seeking change can be asking for help. It can feel like you are admitting defeat or you may worry about the negative stigma around going to counseling. Thankfully, this is changing as more people are discovering the benefits of getting help. Just remember that by asking for help, you are choosing to take the driver’s seat in your life to meet your goals.

Should you go to counseling?

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One technique you can practice is called the Broken Record Technique. Try it!

Here is an example:

Try any of these quick ways to feel better now.

Here are some other self-care ideas:

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