Positive Living – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Dating Red Flags

Relationships bring companionship and love into people’s lives. However, not all relationships are healthy and there are quite a few red flags you should keep an eye out for when dating. It is important to know the boundaries between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. Here are common dating red flags you should be aware of:

Listen to how they speak about past relationships.

If your partner speaks very highly of their ex or if they constantly talk poorly about them, It can be a sign that they are still invested in their past relationship or that they are a bitter person.

Is your partner proud of you?

If they never bring you around their friends or their friends still don’t know who you are, it could be they are ashamed of you or the relationship. Either way don’t ignore your instict on this one.

Keeping score constantly.

Someone who constantly keeps score of who did what in a relationship is probably someone who often tries to guilt trip others. Keeping score will quickly build anger and resent in a relationship.

Your partner uses sex for gain.

Someone who uses sex as a reward or withholds it as a punishment is manipulative. This is manipulation and over steps all boundaries a relationship should follow.

They never put effort into the relationship.

It is obvious whether someone wants to be with another person. If you are feeling pretty one-side in a relationship, it won’t be healthy for you to stick around with someone who will leave once something “better” comes along.

Your partner cannot apologize.

Everyone makes a mistake now and again, but the mature thing to do is accept your faults, apologize, and move on. If your partner can neither apologize or accept you’ve made a mistake, run.

If you argue, they get hurtful.

People tend to disagree, that’s normal. What is NOT normal is when someone who says they love you brings up hurtful comments if you get into a disagreement. Red flags like this one can signal abuse.

They are violent.

If you are disagreeing or just going about your business and your partner is verbally, emotionally, or physically violent, no matter what you did, you did not deserve it. It is difficult to get out of a situation like this but you will be much safer once you are free.

They always attempt to change who you are.

Constantly overstepping boundaries by trying to change the person you are is not okay. The person you are with should be with you because they like the person you are, not to mold you into someone else.

They don’t listen to you.

Whether you are trying to tell them you like your food cooked a different way or something else entirely, your partner should listen and take the feedback well. If your partner gets mad that you are trying to tell them something, that’s a bad sign.

Listen to the way they speak.

If you are always hearing them using “My/Me/I” statements and never using “We/US”, they probably don’t see a future with you; on the other hand, they could just be nervous you don’t feel the same way.

They always guilt you into doing things.

Whether they try to guilt you into having sex or spending time with them, you need to set boundaries up really quickly.

They attempt to control every aspect of your life.

It is one thing to help someone when asked but it is an entirely other thing when a significant other tries to tell you exactly what to do.

They are always flaking out on you.

This stands true especially when you first start dating. If you make plans and they are always cancelling last minute, you probably are not high on their priority list.

Your loved ones don’t like them.

Your loved ones look out for you and they know you well. If these people who get along with you and are close to you don’t like the person you are with, they may not be the right one for you.

Chances are, if you searched for this article, you could be in an unhealthy relationship. Your subconscious picks up on signals you might not even notice and can lead you to find out more. If you are in an unsafe or doomed relationship, it is okay to get out. You deserve dating someone who will put effort into being with you and that actually enjoys spending time with you as much as you enjoy spending time with them. Love doesn’t have to hurt.

Burn out-Confident Counseling Northborough Ma

Signs Of Burn Out

Signs of Burn Out and How to Fix It

Many people suffer from too much stress and often begin feeling helpless, exhausted, and very unhappy. These are all signs pointing to being burned out. In this state, things will often seem pointless and bleak and your energy levels will be at an all-time low. There is hope though, burn out is not the end all, be all.

What is Burn Out?

In the simplest terms, it is the state of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion by too much stress for too long. If you have felt overwhelmed and like you are unable to keep up, you are at risk of becoming burned out. As your stress builds up, your energy and will to overcome it lessens. Your productivity and energy will be gone and you may feel depressed. Everyone has bad days here and there, but if every day feels like a bad day, you are probably suffering from being burned out.

What are the Signs of Burn Out?

Emotional Symptoms

If you have stopped even attempting to care about what you usually love doing or things that need done.
Instead of having one or two bad days every now and then, every day is a struggle that never seems to end.
Feeling helpless, having self-doubt, or feelings of being a failure.
Feeling trapped and defeated.
Suddenly feeling like nothing truly matters and emotionally and mentally detaching from the rest of the world.
Loss of will and motivation.
An increased bleak perspective on the world.
Decreased levels of joy, happiness, and pride.

Physical Symptoms

Feeling very fatigued the majority of the time.
Becoming sick more often than usual.
Lots of body aches and headaches.
Changes in appetite or changes to your normal sleep patterns.

Behavioral signs and symptoms of burnout

Ignoring responsibilities and procrastinating.
Removing yourself from others and staying in isolation.
Procrastinating or just not completing things because it takes too much energy.
Using things like food or drugs as a coping mechanism.
Using others to take your frustrations out on.
Deciding not to come into work, deciding to leave early or come in late just because you want to.

How Can I Fix Having Burn Out?

Use the “Three R” method to start dealing with your burn out problems.

The first step is to Recognize. You need to actually step back and recognize if you are suffering from being burned out.
The second step is to Reverse. You need to undo the damage that has been done by the mountain of stress. Manage the stress you’ve been dealing with and seek the support you need.
The third step is Resilience. Start taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health to avoid any future burn outs.

There are also a few other ways to start your recovery from this mental state. Sometimes it is already too late to prevent this exhaustion and you have passed your breaking point. If you try to force yourself through it instead of taking the time you need, you will only make it worse.

Slow Down!

Once you’ve passed your breaking point, simply trying to force your attitude to change or looking after your physical health won’t be enough to fully bring you back. You need to take a break and let yourself calm down before you start trying to tackle anything else. Give your mind and body some time to rest and recuperate.

Get Some Emotional Support.

Don’t isolate yourself from the rest of the world, it won’t help. Your friends and family are going to be a very big part of your healing process and they will help you to get better. It can really and truly help to let someone else know how you’re feeling without expecting them to try to fix your problems. Make sure you are going to be talking to someone who knows how to listen and won’t automatically fault you for feeling the way you are.

Reevaluate Yourself.

When you’ve passed your breaking point, you know something in your life is not working the way it should. It is a good time to go over your goals and the things you have in life. Is there something you feel like you aren’t doing that’s making you unhappy? Take the time it takes to figure out what set you off.

Face Your Problems Head On.

You probably got way too stressed out because you were avoiding the problems in your life and not addressing them with a plan on how to fix them. Take the active route instead of the passive route in the future and you’ll begin to feel less helpless and more powerful in your everyday life.

Being burned out is a serious problem and it is one you should never be ashamed of. If you have felt helpless and trapped, take a step back and try to figure out why you’ve been feeling this way, then try to do something about it.

Dealing with Intrusive House Guests

Intrusions from carefree guests can be very stressful. It seems like everybody knows, at least, one person that wears out their welcome after a get-together or comes to stay a week and is still there 2 weeks later. Some people can take advantage of a friendship and never display an ounce of guilt or remorse. When this happens to you there are 3 ways you can react. You can be too passive and let the guest take advantage of your kindness. You can also be too aggressive and bring the friendship to a screeching halt or you can be assertive and cope with the problem in a positive and proactive way. Assertiveness is crucial in dealing with intrusive house guests.

Plan & Prepare – The easy way out would be to never invite a potential intrusive guest to a party or for an extended stay in your home. The truth is, you might actually like the person when they are not overstaying their welcome. They might be funny, fun to be with, and a good friend for the most part. However, even the best of friends can clash when boundaries are not drawn and avenues for friction are left wide open and unattended. Whether this person has been invited for a short get together or is coming for an extended visit, prepare for their arrival and have a plan in place to prevent the inevitable.

Establishing Ground Rules – There is a good reason rules exist. They are there to keep things under control. Some people are afraid to set ground rules prior to a planned event because they don’t want to hurt feelings or seem like a “party pooper”. It seems no one wants to be that type of host, but if you don’t pursue this course of action, you are asking for your area to be intruded upon. When boundaries are not set situations can get out of control. Some guests can perceive “no rules” as “anything goes.” Sure, we would like to believe that everyone we know will always be respectful and considerate when invited into our home, but unfortunately, reality tells us something different.

You can prevent guest visits from becoming intrusions by setting the rules prior or at the start of the event. Sometimes it is easier to explain the rules to the entire group so no one feels singled out. Once all the guests have arrived gather them together and make a quick speech. The process does not need to take long, but it needs to be clear and direct. Let everyone know that when the party ends everyone goes home. If there are areas of the home that are off limit; let it be known at this time. If you have spent your hard-earned money on a beautiful carpet or new furniture, ask everyone to be careful. Establishing clear ground rules takes assertiveness, but it can save you unnecessary stress in the long run.

Don’t Be a Doormat – Nobody should voluntarily want to be treated like a “doormat.” But you know the old saying, “nice guys finish last.” There is nothing wrong with being nice, but you cannot allow some people to mistake “kindness” for “weakness.” Just like a wolf, lion or tiger zeros in on the weakling in the herd; the intrusive guest could take advantage of your weakness and move in for the proverbial kill. Your inability to say “no” or to “draw a line in the sand” on specific issues may be perceived as permission to proceed guilt-free. It is imperative that you stand up for yourself and your home against guest intrusions.

The Clear & Direct Approach – Assertiveness is considered to be the ability to express your feelings in a direct, clear, and effective way. It is about standing up for what you want and believe. You can accomplish these goals and still respect the rights of your guest. You can handle guest intrusions while still being proactive and positive. Let’s assume you are letting a friend or relative bunk at your house until they can find a job and their own place to live. It is good to be in a position to help, but boundaries must be set to keep the stay from being “open-ended.” If you simply say the guest can stay until they obtain their goals; they might take it as permission to stay as long as needed.

Let your guest know from the start what you expect. For example, you can ask them to clean up after the mess they make. You should set a time limit on their stay or simply let them move in and forget about it. Unless the guest is only staying a night or two, a different set of boundaries must be set. An extended visit of this type is not a vacation. The guest should be treated respectfully, but their amenities should be more controlled and limited. Visits turn into intrusions when the host lacks assertiveness.

The rules of mutual respect can be observed, but be firm on your objectives. A true friend will not overstep their boundaries unless they assume that none exist. Prepare and address guest intrusions with an honest straightforward approach. There is no stress-free alternative to assertiveness in this scenario.

Resisting a materialistic culture

In a previous article, Spring Cleaning: Discarder’s Remorse, I discuss my goal of reducing the materials or “stuff” that in my life for greater inner peace of mind. This culture of materialism is one that has been on my mind more lately, specifically on how it adds to our feelings of sadness, anxiety, self-loathing, emptiness, and more severely Depression.

In his blog article titled Living in an Age of Melancholy: When Society Becomes Depressed–By DOUGLAS BLOCH talks about this very issue. He does a great job outlining the very ways that our society impacts and promotes a negative life.

Douglas Bloch writes that we can no longer afford to view depression solely as a problem of the person. To end the worldwide epidemic of depression, we must combine individual psychological therapies with new social and economic systems that respect the earth and more fairly distribute the worlds resources.This sounds like a daunting task, but there are ways that we can each reduce the effects our culture continues to have.

Spread awareness

Having a blog about social issues you are passionate about is a great way to spread the word about your ideas. This brings together a community of other like-minded people and it’s an excellent platform to share ideas for implementing change.

Donate & Volunteer

Where you choose to spend your time indicates what you value most. Your most important currency is time and choosing to spend it for a cause your believe in that involves helping others is an excellent way to reject a culture focused on materials.

Evaluate the stuff you have in your life

Take a look at your closet. Do you find that you have 10 or more different pairs of shoes, pants, shirts, towels…? Is it necessary to have an excess of materials for you to live? I’m not saying you need to have one pant and one shirt or become a monk. I am saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in buying more to keep up an image that we forget what’s important in life. Do those “things” really make you happy or are you trying to fill a hole in your heart? Many people enjoy “retail therapy” but never address the real problem they are covering. You owe it to yourself to spend the time and do the emotional work of discovering what needs to change in your life. You don’t have to do this alone as there are counselors that can guide you through the process.

Shop from companies with pro-social values

It’s sad to learn that your favorite company employs poor citizens of a foreign country to sell their products to you at a premium. As consumers we have the power to force change on these companies, we just have to put our money where our values are.

Resist traditions focused on consumerism (ex. Black Friday)

Why not spend the time with family or start a new tradition and donate food at a food pantry?

Join local groups to start change

Websites like Meetup have groups focused on political ideas and social justice. They schedule regular meetings or events where you can take part and meet other people interested in same things you are

Create a local group to create change if one doesn’t already exist

Creating and running a group on a site like Meetup does have a cost, you can recover this by asking for donations from members or even adding a membership fee to cover annual costs. Meetup.com is not the only platform you can use to create a group. You can create a website solely dedicated to your cause using WordPress which is free.

Travel to impoverished countries

I believe traveling is a form of education. You experience new cultures and ways of life that are different from your own. By traveling you gain knowledge of the struggles that exist in the world.

It isn’t easy, but taking small steps in your life not only influences those around you but it also increases the positivity in your life. Feeling good about what you’re doing also impacts your self-esteem and view of your place in the world.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

When Someone Doubts You

I’ve had several experiences in my life where someone in a leadership position has doubted my ability. The first time I was in High School. My history teacher refused to approve me from taking an Honors level history class the following year after saying, “I don’t think you’re capable.”

The next time was from my supervisor at a Community Agency I worked at as a counselor. I created my schedule and was only reimbursed when I saw clients. The paperwork was prohibitive and the pay was poor. After almost 3 years I decided that I would start my private practice and cut down the amount of time at the agency. When I informed my supervisor, she responded by saying “It’s too hard and I don’t think you’re ready.” She didn’t offer any suggestions to help towards my goal but instead suggested I close the chapter before opening the book.

Now keep in mind that I had been working with clients with every disorder possible including severe psychotic disorders. I don’t know about other counselors, but I find it extremely difficult to have a successful session while someone is actively hallucinating. Instead of realizing how her fears were being projected unto me, I started to question and doubt my dream and myself.

Then something clicked for me. I was accepting the doubt from someone who had never pursued this dream, someone who had never tried.

A year earlier I had talked about private practice with this supervisor and she shared how she never bothered to go into private practice because it was too difficult and not worth it. Of course it’s difficult, starting your own business will be. In a search for inspiration I reached out to a local counselor, Marina Williams, who was successful with her own private practice and who wrote a blog I follow. Click here to read her blog. Prepare for some excellent and insightful writing.

I reached out to her because I realized it made more sense to ask for advice from a person that is already doing what I hoped to accomplish. What do I have to gain from someone who never bothered trying out of fear? More fear and self-doubt.

Marina responded and shared that she faced a similar reaction from her supervisor at a community agency. Marina assured me that if I was ready to work for a community agency, then I was definitely ready to work for myself seeing clients with far less severe problems. Even though Marina had never met me, I realized I had placed too much value in what negative people thought of me and my abilities. Only I knew what I was capable of and I was the one daring to take the risk.

If you have a passion and people express doubt in your ability, question their motives. Are they coming from place of caring or fear? If they are coming from a place of care, then they will most likely offer suggestions to help you follow your dream, not tell you to give up. Have they followed any of their dreams? If not, then the following quote is perfect as a response.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

When someone doubts you, reach out to those that have already blazed the path you are interested in. They will serve as a better guide. Connect with positive people who will share inspiration and words of wisdom. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something you have a passion for.