Boundaries – Confident Counseling, LLC.

The Power of No

The word “No” often comes with a negative stigma. it is often associated with rigidity, lack of cooperation, and selfishness. Is it possible that saying “no” may just be the most loving word you could say to someone? I believe so. I work with a lot of adults, primarily women, who tell me how they feel burnt out, have lost control of their schedules, or are feeling used by an unhealthy person in their lives. They struggle with saying no and setting limits in their lives. As a result, they build resentment and frustration, or they enable unhealthy people around them. Take for example a woman who is with an alcoholic. She struggles with saying no and pays for his substances. She allows him to live with her while he’s unemployed spending the day drinking for smoking pot. Her saying yes to him is preventing him from facing the consequences of his choices. In a way she is hindering his growth. Now there is no guarantee that her leaving or setting limits would get him to grow, but it won’t happen by her doing what she’s currently doing.

You see we must realize that sometimes tough love is necessary for the health of our relationships and the people around us. The same goes for not creating healthy boundaries at work or in every aspect of our lives. Of course, the next barrier I see is the guilt that shortly follows saying no. The best suggestion I tell clients is that you must remind yourself that tough love sometimes hurts in the short-term, but it doesn’t “harm” in the long-run. Giving yourself the time to feel the guilt and then remind yourself that you can handle can be helpful. Reminding yourself that people being mad at you is something you can handle is important too.

The power of “no” allows for growth and honesty. Let’s start adding the word “no” into our daily lives and see how it is transformed.

Dating Red Flags

Relationships bring companionship and love into people’s lives. However, not all relationships are healthy and there are quite a few red flags you should keep an eye out for when dating. It is important to know the boundaries between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. Here are common dating red flags you should be aware of:

Listen to how they speak about past relationships.

If your partner speaks very highly of their ex or if they constantly talk poorly about them, It can be a sign that they are still invested in their past relationship or that they are a bitter person.

Is your partner proud of you?

If they never bring you around their friends or their friends still don’t know who you are, it could be they are ashamed of you or the relationship. Either way don’t ignore your instict on this one.

Keeping score constantly.

Someone who constantly keeps score of who did what in a relationship is probably someone who often tries to guilt trip others. Keeping score will quickly build anger and resent in a relationship.

Your partner uses sex for gain.

Someone who uses sex as a reward or withholds it as a punishment is manipulative. This is manipulation and over steps all boundaries a relationship should follow.

They never put effort into the relationship.

It is obvious whether someone wants to be with another person. If you are feeling pretty one-side in a relationship, it won’t be healthy for you to stick around with someone who will leave once something “better” comes along.

Your partner cannot apologize.

Everyone makes a mistake now and again, but the mature thing to do is accept your faults, apologize, and move on. If your partner can neither apologize or accept you’ve made a mistake, run.

If you argue, they get hurtful.

People tend to disagree, that’s normal. What is NOT normal is when someone who says they love you brings up hurtful comments if you get into a disagreement. Red flags like this one can signal abuse.

They are violent.

If you are disagreeing or just going about your business and your partner is verbally, emotionally, or physically violent, no matter what you did, you did not deserve it. It is difficult to get out of a situation like this but you will be much safer once you are free.

They always attempt to change who you are.

Constantly overstepping boundaries by trying to change the person you are is not okay. The person you are with should be with you because they like the person you are, not to mold you into someone else.

They don’t listen to you.

Whether you are trying to tell them you like your food cooked a different way or something else entirely, your partner should listen and take the feedback well. If your partner gets mad that you are trying to tell them something, that’s a bad sign.

Listen to the way they speak.

If you are always hearing them using “My/Me/I” statements and never using “We/US”, they probably don’t see a future with you; on the other hand, they could just be nervous you don’t feel the same way.

They always guilt you into doing things.

Whether they try to guilt you into having sex or spending time with them, you need to set boundaries up really quickly.

They attempt to control every aspect of your life.

It is one thing to help someone when asked but it is an entirely other thing when a significant other tries to tell you exactly what to do.

They are always flaking out on you.

This stands true especially when you first start dating. If you make plans and they are always cancelling last minute, you probably are not high on their priority list.

Your loved ones don’t like them.

Your loved ones look out for you and they know you well. If these people who get along with you and are close to you don’t like the person you are with, they may not be the right one for you.

Chances are, if you searched for this article, you could be in an unhealthy relationship. Your subconscious picks up on signals you might not even notice and can lead you to find out more. If you are in an unsafe or doomed relationship, it is okay to get out. You deserve dating someone who will put effort into being with you and that actually enjoys spending time with you as much as you enjoy spending time with them. Love doesn’t have to hurt.

People Pleasure-Confident Counseling Northborough MA

Stop Being A People Pleaser

It is not hard to find personality tests online (some of them abridged versions of the scientifically well-regarded Meyers-Briggs personality test and others “just for fun” quizzes) to determine whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, and it is also easy to find quizzes showing how high you score on the “big five” personality traits, namely conscientiousness, neuroticism (having strong emotional responses to stress), agreeableness, extraversion, and openness to experience. Being a people pleaser is a harder personality trait to measure, and letting your people pleasing tendencies get the better of you can negatively affect your happiness and your interpersonal relationships.

First, the good news. People pleasing tendencies are rooted, to some extent, in empathy and altruism. If you are a people pleasure, you understand that there is more to life than simply the pursuit of your own pleasure. People pleasers run into trouble, however, when they base their happiness on how people respond to them. They depend on other people too much for external validation instead of depending on their own self-esteem and looking objectively at what is fair in interpersonal relationships. People pleasers are usually insecure, and it is easy for selfish people to take advantage of them. For example, people pleasers often take on a disproportionate share of the work in exchange for their co-workers’ approval. Their co-workers give them little in return, sometimes not even saying thank you, which leaves the person feeling even more insecure and lonely. It can lead to a vicious cycle where people pleasers work harder and harder to gain acceptance, but others see them as weak. Being a people pleaser in your family relationships is an even greater source of stress.

Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Fortunately, it is possible to break the cycle of people pleasing behavior. It requires a bit of effort if your people pleasing habits are deeply ingrained. If you ask your friends how to stop being a people pleaser, they will tell you that you have to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty and not automatically accept every request that people ask of you, such that you become overburdened with obligations. If you are actually a people pleaser, you know that it is very intimidating to say “no”. These are some things to do to find a way to refuse requests without feeling guilty, to become less of a people pleaser, thus improving your self-esteem and your relationships with the people in your life.

1 Decide Which Obligations Are Most Important

It is not possible to do every single thing that everyone in your life wants you to do. Separate the needs from the wants. If you look realistically at your responsibilities, you will see that there are lots of important things you need to do before even considering additional requests. When you say that your schedule is full, you are being honest.

When choosing between two obligations, choose the one that will have the most long-term benefit for the most people. For example, if you have to choose between covering your co-worker’s shift and babysitting your cousin’s kids on your day off, taking the extra shift might be the best option as you will make extra money and leave a positive impact at work.

2 Understand That the World Does Not Revolve Around You

People will try to make you feel guilty and say that only you can help them, but this is just a guilt trip. To continue the above example, your cousin will be able to find someone else to babysit her kids; you are not the only adult she knows. Worst case scenario, her neighbors might grumble about the babysitting obligations, she might have to pay a babysitter, or she might be a little late to work waiting for the babysitter to arrive, but it is not the end of the world.

3 Practice Self-Care

Do not be afraid to make time to do things that make you healthy and happy. You can practice self-care by making time to go to the gym, for example, even if it means saying no to some requests from people in your life. Another way to practice self-care is, after you have ended a phone call by saying “no” and the guilty thoughts are starting to creep in, reminding yourself of how much you actually have helped people recently. Maybe you did not give your neighbor a ride to the grocery store today when she asked, but you did give her a ride last week. Maybe you did not attend an after-work happy hour because you decided to go to the gym instead, but you have lost five pounds since you started working out. In other words, count your accomplishments, not the things you fail to do.

Burn out-Confident Counseling Northborough Ma

Signs Of Burn Out

Signs of Burn Out and How to Fix It

Many people suffer from too much stress and often begin feeling helpless, exhausted, and very unhappy. These are all signs pointing to being burned out. In this state, things will often seem pointless and bleak and your energy levels will be at an all-time low. There is hope though, burn out is not the end all, be all.

What is Burn Out?

In the simplest terms, it is the state of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion by too much stress for too long. If you have felt overwhelmed and like you are unable to keep up, you are at risk of becoming burned out. As your stress builds up, your energy and will to overcome it lessens. Your productivity and energy will be gone and you may feel depressed. Everyone has bad days here and there, but if every day feels like a bad day, you are probably suffering from being burned out.

What are the Signs of Burn Out?

Emotional Symptoms

If you have stopped even attempting to care about what you usually love doing or things that need done.
Instead of having one or two bad days every now and then, every day is a struggle that never seems to end.
Feeling helpless, having self-doubt, or feelings of being a failure.
Feeling trapped and defeated.
Suddenly feeling like nothing truly matters and emotionally and mentally detaching from the rest of the world.
Loss of will and motivation.
An increased bleak perspective on the world.
Decreased levels of joy, happiness, and pride.

Physical Symptoms

Feeling very fatigued the majority of the time.
Becoming sick more often than usual.
Lots of body aches and headaches.
Changes in appetite or changes to your normal sleep patterns.

Behavioral signs and symptoms of burnout

Ignoring responsibilities and procrastinating.
Removing yourself from others and staying in isolation.
Procrastinating or just not completing things because it takes too much energy.
Using things like food or drugs as a coping mechanism.
Using others to take your frustrations out on.
Deciding not to come into work, deciding to leave early or come in late just because you want to.

How Can I Fix Having Burn Out?

Use the “Three R” method to start dealing with your burn out problems.

The first step is to Recognize. You need to actually step back and recognize if you are suffering from being burned out.
The second step is to Reverse. You need to undo the damage that has been done by the mountain of stress. Manage the stress you’ve been dealing with and seek the support you need.
The third step is Resilience. Start taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health to avoid any future burn outs.

There are also a few other ways to start your recovery from this mental state. Sometimes it is already too late to prevent this exhaustion and you have passed your breaking point. If you try to force yourself through it instead of taking the time you need, you will only make it worse.

Slow Down!

Once you’ve passed your breaking point, simply trying to force your attitude to change or looking after your physical health won’t be enough to fully bring you back. You need to take a break and let yourself calm down before you start trying to tackle anything else. Give your mind and body some time to rest and recuperate.

Get Some Emotional Support.

Don’t isolate yourself from the rest of the world, it won’t help. Your friends and family are going to be a very big part of your healing process and they will help you to get better. It can really and truly help to let someone else know how you’re feeling without expecting them to try to fix your problems. Make sure you are going to be talking to someone who knows how to listen and won’t automatically fault you for feeling the way you are.

Reevaluate Yourself.

When you’ve passed your breaking point, you know something in your life is not working the way it should. It is a good time to go over your goals and the things you have in life. Is there something you feel like you aren’t doing that’s making you unhappy? Take the time it takes to figure out what set you off.

Face Your Problems Head On.

You probably got way too stressed out because you were avoiding the problems in your life and not addressing them with a plan on how to fix them. Take the active route instead of the passive route in the future and you’ll begin to feel less helpless and more powerful in your everyday life.

Being burned out is a serious problem and it is one you should never be ashamed of. If you have felt helpless and trapped, take a step back and try to figure out why you’ve been feeling this way, then try to do something about it.

Dealing with Intrusive House Guests

Intrusions from carefree guests can be very stressful. It seems like everybody knows, at least, one person that wears out their welcome after a get-together or comes to stay a week and is still there 2 weeks later. Some people can take advantage of a friendship and never display an ounce of guilt or remorse. When this happens to you there are 3 ways you can react. You can be too passive and let the guest take advantage of your kindness. You can also be too aggressive and bring the friendship to a screeching halt or you can be assertive and cope with the problem in a positive and proactive way. Assertiveness is crucial in dealing with intrusive house guests.

Plan & Prepare – The easy way out would be to never invite a potential intrusive guest to a party or for an extended stay in your home. The truth is, you might actually like the person when they are not overstaying their welcome. They might be funny, fun to be with, and a good friend for the most part. However, even the best of friends can clash when boundaries are not drawn and avenues for friction are left wide open and unattended. Whether this person has been invited for a short get together or is coming for an extended visit, prepare for their arrival and have a plan in place to prevent the inevitable.

Establishing Ground Rules – There is a good reason rules exist. They are there to keep things under control. Some people are afraid to set ground rules prior to a planned event because they don’t want to hurt feelings or seem like a “party pooper”. It seems no one wants to be that type of host, but if you don’t pursue this course of action, you are asking for your area to be intruded upon. When boundaries are not set situations can get out of control. Some guests can perceive “no rules” as “anything goes.” Sure, we would like to believe that everyone we know will always be respectful and considerate when invited into our home, but unfortunately, reality tells us something different.

You can prevent guest visits from becoming intrusions by setting the rules prior or at the start of the event. Sometimes it is easier to explain the rules to the entire group so no one feels singled out. Once all the guests have arrived gather them together and make a quick speech. The process does not need to take long, but it needs to be clear and direct. Let everyone know that when the party ends everyone goes home. If there are areas of the home that are off limit; let it be known at this time. If you have spent your hard-earned money on a beautiful carpet or new furniture, ask everyone to be careful. Establishing clear ground rules takes assertiveness, but it can save you unnecessary stress in the long run.

Don’t Be a Doormat – Nobody should voluntarily want to be treated like a “doormat.” But you know the old saying, “nice guys finish last.” There is nothing wrong with being nice, but you cannot allow some people to mistake “kindness” for “weakness.” Just like a wolf, lion or tiger zeros in on the weakling in the herd; the intrusive guest could take advantage of your weakness and move in for the proverbial kill. Your inability to say “no” or to “draw a line in the sand” on specific issues may be perceived as permission to proceed guilt-free. It is imperative that you stand up for yourself and your home against guest intrusions.

The Clear & Direct Approach – Assertiveness is considered to be the ability to express your feelings in a direct, clear, and effective way. It is about standing up for what you want and believe. You can accomplish these goals and still respect the rights of your guest. You can handle guest intrusions while still being proactive and positive. Let’s assume you are letting a friend or relative bunk at your house until they can find a job and their own place to live. It is good to be in a position to help, but boundaries must be set to keep the stay from being “open-ended.” If you simply say the guest can stay until they obtain their goals; they might take it as permission to stay as long as needed.

Let your guest know from the start what you expect. For example, you can ask them to clean up after the mess they make. You should set a time limit on their stay or simply let them move in and forget about it. Unless the guest is only staying a night or two, a different set of boundaries must be set. An extended visit of this type is not a vacation. The guest should be treated respectfully, but their amenities should be more controlled and limited. Visits turn into intrusions when the host lacks assertiveness.

The rules of mutual respect can be observed, but be firm on your objectives. A true friend will not overstep their boundaries unless they assume that none exist. Prepare and address guest intrusions with an honest straightforward approach. There is no stress-free alternative to assertiveness in this scenario.

Impostor Syndrome-Do you feel like a fraud?

It’s the first day of your new job and you’re excited yet nervous for all that lies ahead. Here you are. You worked hard, probably even over-prepared for this moment, yet you immediately worry that everyone will find out you really don’t belong here. Even though you didn’t lie on your resume, you feel you don’t deserve this. How can they possibly believe you do?

You feel like you fooled everyone into thinking you’re competent, like you “tricked” them. Does this sound familiar? During a moment of success have you doubted yourself or felt that it wasn’t a big deal? It is extremely frustrating to go through moments like this especially when you see others placing confidence in you while you feel like a “fake.” You’re always on the guard, worried that others will “find you out” and realize you’re not worthy.

This phenomenon, Impostor Syndrome is common in perfectionists and overachievers who aren’t able to internalize and accept their success. These people have unrealistically high standards for themselves that it is difficult to meet their own goals. Even when they do reach them, they are more prone to attribute their success to luck than their own skills. This type of intellectual self-doubt is often paired with anxiety and/or depression.

Many people who feel like impostors grew up in families that placed a big emphasis on achievement. Specifically, parents who send mixed messages by alternating between over-praise and criticism can increase the risk of fraudulent feelings developing. Living in a society that focuses on achievements adds to the problem. The result is confusion between approval, love, and worthiness. Self-worth becomes on achieving.

Those struggling with Impostor Syndrome may avoid applying for promotions, for more responsibility and suffer from higher stress. How can you break this pattern?

Challenge your thoughts

You will discover that at the root of your self-doubt is a negative core belief that you’re not good enough. Ask yourself, when will I ever be good enough? What does good enough mean? Challenge this negative thought by finding evidence in favor of it and against it. It helps to ask yourself would I think this of a love one if they were in my shoes? If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you think this way of yourself.

Accept imperfection

Recognize that nobody is perfect. Practice letting go of high standards by doing a “good enough” job and walking away. Make time to appreciate your hard work and create rewards for yourself for completed tasks.

Recognize your strengths

List out the skills you have and learn to accept that you are good at certain things which have value. Yes, there will always be someone better at something, however that doesn’t make your strengths any less important because they are unique to you.

Talk to others about this

Being open and sharing this struggle with those you trust is a way to create awareness for others. They may even help you recognize when you’re engaging thoughts of self-doubt that need challenging. If it is difficult to work on this on your own, consider contacting a counselor to learn skills and challenge negative thinking pattern together. If you struggle with anxiety and depression, a professional will teach you how to cope in a healthy and effective way.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

5 Ways To Tell You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship

There are several ways that relationships are unhealthy, “toxic”, or extremely abusive. Sometimes it’s difficult to notice the signs before it escalates and gets worse. Here are 5 ways to tell you are in an unhealthy relationship that I have come across in my practice in working with couples and individuals.

You feel confused after every argument

You are most likely being manipulated. Healthy disagreements should leave you feeling heard, understood, and there should be a mutual plan to move forward.

You feel controlled

You have to ask “permission” to do things without your partner or even to have access to your own things. There is a fine line between making decisions together and needing their approval.

You feel worse about yourself or are physically threatened or abused

It is usually harder to recognize emotional abuse because physical wounds aren’t left behind. If you notice that you are starting to feel incapable without that other person, then you might be getting emotionally abused.

You walk on eggshells

You should feel like you are free to speak your mind or make mistakes in a healthy relationship.

Your intuition tells you something is wrong

It’s common for our “gut” to pick up on feelings that we often ignore. With practice, you can learn to listen to your intuition and recognize unhealthy patterns sooner than later.

It’s common for our “gut” to pick up on feelings that we often ignore. With practice, you can learn to listen to your intuition and recognize unhealthy patterns sooner than later.

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What Are Your Boundaries?

Last time I shared one simple assertiveness technique The Broken Record to use when someone insists on having you do something that you can’t or don’t want to do. Before you can be effective with assertive techniques, it is important for you to know what your boundaries are.

Boundaries are like imaginary lines between you and others. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. In order for you to have healthy boundaries you have to know your feelings and values as they relate to yourself and others.

Here are some examples:

Psychological – Do you take other people’s comments personally? Do you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s negative feelings or problems? Are you aware of your own feelings?
Material– What do you think of lending or giving things to others (e.g. money, car, clothes, etc..) and what does that look like for you?
Mental – What do you believe in? What are your opinions?
Physical – Who can give you a hug/kiss/handshake? What are feelings about sharing your space with other people?
Sexual– What is your comfort level around sexual activity?
Spiritual– What are your beliefs around a higher power/faith?

Boundaries protect your well-being and can change over time. When you know what your boundaries are, you know when and why you need to assert yourself.

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