Self-Esteem – Confident Counseling, LLC.

People Pleasure-Confident Counseling Northborough MA

Stop Being A People Pleaser

It is not hard to find personality tests online (some of them abridged versions of the scientifically well-regarded Meyers-Briggs personality test and others “just for fun” quizzes) to determine whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, and it is also easy to find quizzes showing how high you score on the “big five” personality traits, namely conscientiousness, neuroticism (having strong emotional responses to stress), agreeableness, extraversion, and openness to experience. Being a people pleaser is a harder personality trait to measure, and letting your people pleasing tendencies get the better of you can negatively affect your happiness and your interpersonal relationships.

First, the good news. People pleasing tendencies are rooted, to some extent, in empathy and altruism. If you are a people pleasure, you understand that there is more to life than simply the pursuit of your own pleasure. People pleasers run into trouble, however, when they base their happiness on how people respond to them. They depend on other people too much for external validation instead of depending on their own self-esteem and looking objectively at what is fair in interpersonal relationships. People pleasers are usually insecure, and it is easy for selfish people to take advantage of them. For example, people pleasers often take on a disproportionate share of the work in exchange for their co-workers’ approval. Their co-workers give them little in return, sometimes not even saying thank you, which leaves the person feeling even more insecure and lonely. It can lead to a vicious cycle where people pleasers work harder and harder to gain acceptance, but others see them as weak. Being a people pleaser in your family relationships is an even greater source of stress.

Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Fortunately, it is possible to break the cycle of people pleasing behavior. It requires a bit of effort if your people pleasing habits are deeply ingrained. If you ask your friends how to stop being a people pleaser, they will tell you that you have to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty and not automatically accept every request that people ask of you, such that you become overburdened with obligations. If you are actually a people pleaser, you know that it is very intimidating to say “no”. These are some things to do to find a way to refuse requests without feeling guilty, to become less of a people pleaser, thus improving your self-esteem and your relationships with the people in your life.

1 Decide Which Obligations Are Most Important

It is not possible to do every single thing that everyone in your life wants you to do. Separate the needs from the wants. If you look realistically at your responsibilities, you will see that there are lots of important things you need to do before even considering additional requests. When you say that your schedule is full, you are being honest.

When choosing between two obligations, choose the one that will have the most long-term benefit for the most people. For example, if you have to choose between covering your co-worker’s shift and babysitting your cousin’s kids on your day off, taking the extra shift might be the best option as you will make extra money and leave a positive impact at work.

2 Understand That the World Does Not Revolve Around You

People will try to make you feel guilty and say that only you can help them, but this is just a guilt trip. To continue the above example, your cousin will be able to find someone else to babysit her kids; you are not the only adult she knows. Worst case scenario, her neighbors might grumble about the babysitting obligations, she might have to pay a babysitter, or she might be a little late to work waiting for the babysitter to arrive, but it is not the end of the world.

3 Practice Self-Care

Do not be afraid to make time to do things that make you healthy and happy. You can practice self-care by making time to go to the gym, for example, even if it means saying no to some requests from people in your life. Another way to practice self-care is, after you have ended a phone call by saying “no” and the guilty thoughts are starting to creep in, reminding yourself of how much you actually have helped people recently. Maybe you did not give your neighbor a ride to the grocery store today when she asked, but you did give her a ride last week. Maybe you did not attend an after-work happy hour because you decided to go to the gym instead, but you have lost five pounds since you started working out. In other words, count your accomplishments, not the things you fail to do.

Perfectionist Students - Self Esteem Teen Counseling Confident Counseling

Helping Perfectionist Students

Having high standards are admired and helps people become successful. The problem is when the standards are unrealistic and inflexible. Wanting to do your best is healthy, however obsessing over perfection is not. For students, this can result in not turning in work, taking on an unhealthy obsession with grades, and lowered self-esteem when they do not reach perfection.

In academic settings, students with this issue present as extremely conscientious and highly anxious. Teachers may not recognize the dynamic that is occurring and thus not address it as such. Therefore the first step is to identify perfectionism in a student.

One of the biggest signs is an obsession over mistakes. When trying to complete a task, they may put it off. They may not start or they may give up on projects. If they do begin, the process is extremely stressful. They pore over every detail to make sure that they did not miss anything or make any mistakes. As a result homework or projects take longer to complete.
These students think critically of themselves. Perfectionism is often linked to a low self-esteem because they believe they are not good enough. This leads to anxiety, anger, and depression. Receiving less than perfect grades will confirm the low views they have of their abilities. They will then work even harder at the expense of other parts of their lives.
Oftentimes the student will decrease time with friends or activities around self-care such as sleep because they need to work harder to meet their goals. You may notice they get poor sleep and are tired in class. They may forgo eating regular meals to stay productive.
There is a belief that others are critical and will judge them for not being perfect. They strive to uphold positive impressions and avoid letting others down. Students who finish their project, but feel it is not perfect, may react poorly to anyone else seeing it.

Part of changing this irrational thinking involves awareness and understanding how harmful it is. Pulling the student aside, asking questions, and reaching out can make a large difference. Emphasizing progress over perfection is crucial. These students are often dismissive of their efforts or assign them to sheer luck. Helping a student recognize how far they’ve come puts their efforts into perspective.

Setting time restrictions on time for homework is liberating for students who spend too much time on their work at the cost of other aspects of their life. This will emphasize letting go and promote self-care. Teaching about the consequences of neglecting oneself for the sake of perfection is educational and necessary. Oftentimes students are unaware of how they are causing themselves more harm by neglecting their sleep, social life, and or healthy eating.

Shed some light on the value of mistakes. Help them see mistakes as a path towards learning and growth and not as signs of failure. Teach them that one’s self-esteem is not solely based on successes. Effort, determination, and attitude are just as important. Share examples. Real life people and fictitious characters alike are usable here. These examples can help normalize their struggles.

Connect them with a professional counselor for added support. No matter what frustrations stand in your way, keep the student motivated to change. Not all changes will be large, but they will all matter. It is what brings them down from perfectionism, building their self-esteem and possibilities.

Help your teen heal after sexual assault Teen counseling Northborough MA

How to help your teen heal after sexual assault

Being the victim of sexual assault is one of the worst things anyone can experience. Discovering that your teen was a victim of sexual assault is the worst thing any parent can hear. Anger, sadness, shock, blame, and helplessness are familiar feelings where you’ll wonder what you could have done to prevent this from happening to your child. While you’re struggling to deal with this wave of emotions, it can seem daunting to understand the best way to help your teen.

As a counselor in private practice, I have worked with several teens that have been sexually assaulted and have worked closely with their parents on how to cope and be the best support possible. I hope this article helps you be the person your child needs.

It’s important to contact the police and take your teenager to the hospital to get the necessary medical care and a rape kit completed. Your child may disagree with going to the authorities initially, however that might change later with time. By going to the authorities, you have a higher chance of preventing this perpetrator from sexually assaulting another person.

An important message for you to convey is that you are here to listen. It is common for sexual abuse survivors to blame themselves, hesitate to tell family for fear of hurting them, or feel stupid for “allowing” this to happen to them. The best thing anyone can do is offer genuine support without any judgments. Do your best to enforce the message that your teen is not to blame regardless of what they were wearing or doing.

Creating a safe place where your child can express all their feelings around the trauma is key. It can be helpful to share your experiences with these emotions as a way of normalizing them for them. Just be careful to not make this be about yourself and stay focused on their feelings. Offer ideas that might help them such as finding counseling, going away together, discussing the loss around the trauma and the meaning. I have worked with teens that were virgins when they were raped and discussing this loss was an important part of their healing. They often worried about having future conversations around how they lost virginity. Support their worries and brainstorm solutions to them.

Find counseling for yourself. This is helpful for two reasons 1) it takes away the negative bias for your teen to see you go into counseling which could promote them to see a counselor too and 2) you will benefit from getting support around how to cope with all the feelings you are facing around this traumatic news. It is important to continue going about your daily routine like before. Right now your teen’s world is upside down and the more normal the rest of the world seems the safer they will feel. If you start to panic and allow yourself to fall into a depressive state, your teen might spiral out of control too. Thus counseling for yourself will help you have an outlet for the spiral of emotions you are facing.

Watch out for extreme behavioral changes like isolating, depressive comments or suicidal remarks. It is common for people to engage in self-harm behaviors like cutting, burning self, promiscuous sex, and substance abuse after traumatic events as a way of coping and gaining back control. Talking to your teen about your concerns in a supportive non-judgmental way will increase their chances of listening to your ideas for help.

Research the consequences of self-harming behaviors such as cutting becoming addictive and a source of future shame if there are scars. Teens often don’t realize the long-term effects of their actions and are often surprised to know that it can become addictive. Try to discover what is triggering them and offer suggestions for ways they can release their emotions such as drawing, hitting something, screaming, going for a walk, taking a hot shower, etc. There are a variety of pleasurable activities that someone can engage in as alternatives to cutting.

Search for teen groups for survivors of sexual support and offer to go with them if they would like. The Rainn (Rape, Abuse and incest National Network) is a great resource for information and finding local groups. Finding others that have gone through similar experiences will be a great way for your teenager to relate to others and get their feelings out and not bottle them in. Recommend counseling for them and offer to attend with them for added support.

If they are engaging in dangerous behaviors or have suicidal thoughts, please take them to your local Emergency Mental Health Department or Emergency Room.

Remember that it’s normal to feel lost and confused. What just happened is not a normal circumstance and so you are having a normal reaction or an abnormal situation. You don’t have to face this with your teen alone, please call a counselor for individual or family guidance. If you can take away any message from this article it is for you to listen to your child, talk to them, validate their emotions, and find support for both of you during this difficult time.

Resisting a materialistic culture

In a previous article, Spring Cleaning: Discarder’s Remorse, I discuss my goal of reducing the materials or “stuff” that in my life for greater inner peace of mind. This culture of materialism is one that has been on my mind more lately, specifically on how it adds to our feelings of sadness, anxiety, self-loathing, emptiness, and more severely Depression.

In his blog article titled Living in an Age of Melancholy: When Society Becomes Depressed–By DOUGLAS BLOCH talks about this very issue. He does a great job outlining the very ways that our society impacts and promotes a negative life.

Douglas Bloch writes that we can no longer afford to view depression solely as a problem of the person. To end the worldwide epidemic of depression, we must combine individual psychological therapies with new social and economic systems that respect the earth and more fairly distribute the worlds resources.This sounds like a daunting task, but there are ways that we can each reduce the effects our culture continues to have.

Spread awareness

Having a blog about social issues you are passionate about is a great way to spread the word about your ideas. This brings together a community of other like-minded people and it’s an excellent platform to share ideas for implementing change.

Donate & Volunteer

Where you choose to spend your time indicates what you value most. Your most important currency is time and choosing to spend it for a cause your believe in that involves helping others is an excellent way to reject a culture focused on materials.

Evaluate the stuff you have in your life

Take a look at your closet. Do you find that you have 10 or more different pairs of shoes, pants, shirts, towels…? Is it necessary to have an excess of materials for you to live? I’m not saying you need to have one pant and one shirt or become a monk. I am saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in buying more to keep up an image that we forget what’s important in life. Do those “things” really make you happy or are you trying to fill a hole in your heart? Many people enjoy “retail therapy” but never address the real problem they are covering. You owe it to yourself to spend the time and do the emotional work of discovering what needs to change in your life. You don’t have to do this alone as there are counselors that can guide you through the process.

Shop from companies with pro-social values

It’s sad to learn that your favorite company employs poor citizens of a foreign country to sell their products to you at a premium. As consumers we have the power to force change on these companies, we just have to put our money where our values are.

Resist traditions focused on consumerism (ex. Black Friday)

Why not spend the time with family or start a new tradition and donate food at a food pantry?

Join local groups to start change

Websites like Meetup have groups focused on political ideas and social justice. They schedule regular meetings or events where you can take part and meet other people interested in same things you are

Create a local group to create change if one doesn’t already exist

Creating and running a group on a site like Meetup does have a cost, you can recover this by asking for donations from members or even adding a membership fee to cover annual costs. Meetup.com is not the only platform you can use to create a group. You can create a website solely dedicated to your cause using WordPress which is free.

Travel to impoverished countries

I believe traveling is a form of education. You experience new cultures and ways of life that are different from your own. By traveling you gain knowledge of the struggles that exist in the world.

It isn’t easy, but taking small steps in your life not only influences those around you but it also increases the positivity in your life. Feeling good about what you’re doing also impacts your self-esteem and view of your place in the world.

Reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship

Over the years I have worked with several people who struggle to find healthy relationships or leave unhealthy ones. After a while I began to notice constant patterns/themes to why people don’t leave their unhealthy relationships. Here the most common reasons you are still in an unhealthy relationship that may apply to you.

Change is hard

Of course it is. It’s easy to become content in our routine even if it is making us miserable. The problem with letting the challenge of it and fear of the unknown stop us from making better choices for you is that you are allowing fear to dictate your life. Let me tell you that it never ends well.

You’re afraid to be alone

Who doesn’t enjoy companionship, most of us do. The problem as mentioned before is that fear is not your best friend here. Yes, fear helps keep you alive in life or death situations but it isn’t helping you now by keeping you paralyzed in an unhealthy relationship.

Would you really be alone if you left? What about your friends and family, do they not count? I understand that those relationships are not exactly the same as an intimate one.

The question really comes down to why do you believe you would never find another person you would be interested in or who would be interested in you. How realistic is that really? I’m not saying the minute you leave your relationship, you’ll be in a new one, nor am I encouraging that anyway.

You’ll want some time to grief the loss and focus on rebuilding yourself during your single time. However the odds that you’ll be single forever just seems so unrealistic given that you’ve clearly found people who show interest in you otherwise you wouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

You doubt you can do better

Why? Who told you that this? Usually if you do enough self-exploration and introspection you will find an automatic belief about yourself which has built over the years usually stemming from childhood and early life experiences. Examples include: “I’m stupid,” “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I can never do anything right”, and the list goes on.

Figure out what your automatic belief is that you’re carrying around. You can usually find it during difficult times in your life or when you make mistakes which then reaffirm your automatic thought about yourself such as “You see I knew I couldn’t do it right, I never do anything right.”

It won’t help if your partner encourages these negative thoughts about yourself. Ever wonder why they verbally abuse you? Most likely it’s because of their own low self-esteem and their fear of losing you if you realize how negative they are and what you’re true value is. Either way those aren’t the qualities of a happy person so you can definitely do better.

It’s too late

Says who? The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead and if you’re reading this now then the odds are very likely that you are still alive. Many people find new love in their golden years and you can anytime you want to be open to it.

But they have so much potential

If I had a quarter for every time I heard this. “I know he’ll be nicer once he goes to counseling, if only I was more patient, if only I loved them more, if only they loved me more”, and so on. Do you plan other aspects of your life on this idea? Would you move in to an apartment infested with cockroaches and lead paint on the notion that “well once the landlord decides to fix the problem it will be wonderful.” I didn’t think so.

You need to remember that “What you see is what you get”. If you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who smokes don’t date them thinking well I know he’ll quit one day. The only person in charge of making change is yourself. Why waste time waiting for the other person to make changes they may or may not stick. Do yourself a favor and find someone who already has the qualities you want today.

You’ve invested too much already

I understand that this one is difficult to let go of. You’ve spent years if not decades building a life together, investing time, emotions, and finances that you find it difficult to let go and walk away. Chances are that most of your memories together include pain and resentment. What will you have to show for that? You won’t get a medal for sticking it out, just more damage to your self-esteem.

You believe “true love” bears all

Yes the best kind of love is unconditional and like the relationship with our children or our parents we love them no matter what. Does that mean you have to tolerate everything they do? No! You can love someone and still chose how much you want them around.

True love does not mean sacrificing yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship because at the end of the day you should also love yourself. How else can you expect healthy relationships if you mistreat yourself by tolerating abuse? You can set limits like leaving and considering a future relationship only once they’ve gone to counseling and stopped the behaviors that pushed you away to begin with.

We have children together

More reason why you should leave. By you staying in this type of relationship you are teaching your children to tolerate the behaviors that are unhealthy to begin with. What message do you want to leave your children? Most likely not that one.

You’re children will be grateful to see you caring for yourself and wanting to teach them healthy examples of adult relationships for them to model once they grow up.

Did any of these reasons resonate with you? So now what? Remember that you only get one chance at life and will you look back and regret having stayed in an unhealthy relationship more than leaving it. If you know you want to leave but feel stuck then it’s time to see a counselor who can help you gain the strength to move forward in whatever direction that is. They won’t be able to make the choice for you but they can prepare you for the challenge and support you while you make difficult decisions.

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How to boost the self-esteem of your teen

Learning how to boost the self-esteem of your teen is a challenge if you aren’t sure where to start. As a parent you want the best for your children. You want them to filter out everything negative and only accept the positive. You focus on praising them and telling them they can be anything and do everything they set their mind to. Then your child hits puberty and starts doubting themselves either because of a teacher, another adult, the media, a peer, a bad experience… The list goes on and you realize just how fragile a child’s sense of self can really be at that age. You struggle seeing your child, full of potential, withdrawing, dropping activities, or worse self-harming and/or contemplating suicide.

I often have parents ask me this question when they feel lost and worry about making things worse. I’ve seen parents increase the control in their teen’s life only to push them further away and I’ve seen parents disengage, find a counselor, and pray for a miracle. Either extreme isn’t helpful. In order to answer this question, we have to look at the source of their doubt. Is it due to their surroundings outside the home, within the home? Is it due to a negative experience like failing at an activity/hobby, trauma? Gender is also an important factor and what they learn to value (e.g. appearance, strength).

Here are steps you can take to help build your teen’s self-esteem

When they do well, praise them while also emphasizing the importance and value of the experience not just the achievement

If you focus on performance you send the message that the goal is to excel which if internalized can lead to anxiety, low self-worth, and depression. There is no such thing as perfect whereas good enough is attainable.

Show interest in their activities while also acknowledging that they are a whole person outside of their hobbies

They are not just a “football player, or a photographer.” It’s easy for parents to get so excited about their child’s interests that they go overboard and unintentionally put pressure on them (e.g. calling them “my artist”). If they decide to no longer pursue that interest their sense of worth and value may struggle.

Give them space to make mistakes without expectations for perfection

Trust your teenager with clear expectations on what you will allow and not allow. I have worked with parents that are so afraid of their child making mistakes that they restrict their movement even though the child is getting all A’s and stays home. The parent is then surprised to find that their teen is keeping secrets and refuses to share their day-to-day events with them.

How will your child learn if not through mistakes?

I urge parents to keep open communication with their child accepting that their child will mess up. I would even go a step further and share stories of mistakes you’ve made and lessons you’ve learned. This will encourage open communication with your teenager.

The key for a parent is to be seen as a safe resource of trusted and reliable information so that your teenager relies less on their peers, who lack the experience and who might have wrong intentions.

That’s not to say that you should give your teen free rein. Boundaries are still crucial, however not allowing your child access to the internet because you worry they will come across something “awful” sends the message you don’t trust them. Why should they trust themselves when their own parents don’t? Instead turn that topic into an open educational conversation.

As a parent, model healthy self-esteem habits

Are you preoccupied with what others think about you?
Are your standards realistic and are you accepting of your mistakes?
Do you emphasize the importance of superficial goals such as weight, status, or money?
Do you focus on your need to know all the right answers and be perfect?
Are you emotionally available and able to show your vulnerabilities?

These are subtle messages that we send to our children about how we place value and expectations on ourselves and others. I was working with a teenager who struggled with her physical appearance. Whenever she had acne she would avoid her sport practices, games, friends, and skip school because of how “ugly she felt” and because she worried her friends would talk about her behind her back.

It wasn’t surprising to find that her mother also struggled with her appearance, focused on losing weight, went on diets, and made critical remarks of others based on their appearance.

This mother thought she did a good job at hiding her own self-esteem issues with her body and didn’t realize that her daughter still got the message that her value depends on her appearance.

Unfortunately, the message “Do as I say, not as I do”, does not work with our children. They look to us as guides for how we take the messages imposed through the media; culture, peers, and family and how we either reject or accept them. That’s not to say that parents are 100% at fault if their teenager struggles with low self-esteem. What I’m saying is that parents do play a powerful role in laying down the foundation.

I would love to hear your ideas, questions, or thoughts on ways to help boost the self-esteem of your teen. Leave a comment below.

Here is a short video demonstrating how a girl’s parents and peers influence their self-esteem.

[kad_youtube url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS8OmSQpb9A” ]