Personality – Confident Counseling, LLC.

Parenting introverted teenagers

Parenting a teenager is already hard enough. It becomes even more challenging when their personality is different from the norm. Our society favors extrovert traits. From everything from advertising, the political sector, to classroom settings, and work environments extroverts have the advantage. In the classroom, group projects are common as well as speaking out loud in front of the class for grades. The same goes for the work environment. Group meetings are commonplace and those that speak up get the floor over those that take time to think things over quietly by themselves. Cubicles are seen to be the norm for many fields which promote constant collaboration over individual introspection.

It’s crucial that as a parent you learn how to parent your introverted teenager effectively by taking the following steps.

Learn about introversion

I previously wrote an article discussing what introversion is and what the common personality traits here. You can read this article here . Don’t just stop there, continue doing research and it will pay off in the end. You’ll understand what makes your teen tick and why they tend to respond the way they do. You will be less likely to see their behavior as abnormal and fear for depression. It’s common for parents to confuse their child’s normal behavior as a sign of depression. That’s not to say that they aren’t depressed. Since introversion is a personality trait they way they respond will not change based on fluctuations in the situation. Whereas depression is a marked change in behavior.

For example, if your child is normally outgoing and extremely social then any isolating behavior is a sign for concern as that is not typical behavior. An introverted teen would already be less social and be by themselves in their room even when nothing particularly stressful has happened. If they start to display extreme changes in their behavior or stop doing things they used to enjoy, then that is a sign for concern as well. If you aren’t sure, it won’t hurt to get a professional evaluation for your child.

Introverts naturally need time alone to recharge. Social interactions, especially with strangers, drain mental energy which is why your introvert may start to disengage, get really quiet, and even become irritable after long periods of social activity. Parents may interpret this as a disrespectful behavior and a sign of rejection, when really they need time alone to “recharge”. In families with lots of younger children, it is helpful for your introvert to have the ability to be alone when they need to recharge as they may tolerate less stimulation.

Talk to your child about what you learn

After you’ve done some reading about introversion and the common traits, talk to your teen about it. This is helpful because it creates conversation around it and decreases any negative stigma your child might have felt. Unfortunately this society favors extroverts and so many introverts feel like there is something wrong with them for not conforming so easily. It’s important to understand what introversion looks like for your teen in particular. Personality traits lie on a spectrum and so your child will be able to tell you where they lie on that continuum.

Accept them

As a parent, it’s understandable to worry that there might be something wrong with your teenager since they aren’t conforming to what is viewed as “normal”. Now that you’ve learned about introversion and talked to your teen about it, the last thing is to accept them for who they are. Understand that they aren’t “weird” or “broken”.They in fact are normal. Introversion isn’t something they will grow out of. Instead encourage them to listen to their bodies when it’s telling them they need to recharge for self-care. You can also help them harness their strengths such as their ability for thoughtful in their decision-making and their excellent listening skills. Remind them that introverts and extroverts compliment each other.

Introversion and What It Looks Like

I believe that all human nature lies on a spectrum which includes everything from likes and dislikes, to personality traits and temperaments. By and large, humans are social creatures and we need each other to survive as a species. However, there is a difference in how much social interaction we each prefer and/or need. For those that lie close to the end of Introversion, it can be daunting to function in a world that seems to be made for extroverts.

If you know someone who is an introvert, it might feel confusion or frustrating when they become irritable in social situations or need to leave early. Let’s look at Introversion and what it is

Here is an image for those that like visuals.

As you see on this line, there is a spectrum going in each direction. There are people who lie closer to either end, and there are people who are closer to the middle. The closer you are towards the introvert end, the more likely you are to display the following traits:

Social Interaction

Has only a few close friends and are often mistaken for lacking social skills and being antisocial neither are true.
Does more listening than talking making them excellent listeners
Seems to be in their own world
Prefers to talk about deep conversations and dislikes “small talk”.
Tend to be quiet which is mistaken for shyness.
When introverts are tired, in a large group, or if too much is going on, they may show little animation, with little facial expression or body movement.
Need time to think before speaking

Social Preferences

Likes solitary activities, like reading, or activities with only a few people
Likes to spend time by themselves to “recharge”.
Tends to gravitate towards one on one interactions rather than being the center of attention even if it’s positive.
Prefers to have a plan when going out that is predictable and has an “exit” strategy

Emotions

May get irritable after spending a lot of time around other people
Feel emotionally drained after spending time with others, especially strangers.
Is more reserved about personal details
Highly sensitive to their environment and the emotions of other people
Introverts are also rather territorial. They dislike sharing space with others for too long and may find house guests intrusive.

Other Traits and Preferences

Introverts can concentrate intensely on a book or project for a long time if they find it interesting and like to explore subjects deeply and thoroughly.
Introverts are highly aware of their inner world of perceptions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings. They are also highly aware of their surroundings, noticing details that others don’t see.
Introverts also favor consistency over change, and cope with change best when they know ahead of time what to expect and have enough time to prepare for it.

If you are an introvert, it doesn’t mean that you display all of these traits, it just means there is a higher chance you do. Understanding yourself or your fellow introvert is the best way to accept and support yourself and others. The most important thing to realize is that we are all different and that being an introvert, extrovert, or in the middle comes with their own strengths.

Should You Go To Counseling?

I have encountered several prospective clients that have called me asking, “Is counseling right for me?” Many of them were referred by a loved one or have noticed their life falling apart around them without understanding why. My first question to them is, “Is there anything you would like to change or see changed in your life?” Often times they say yes, but don’t know where to begin or unsure how counseling can help.

If you find yourself contemplating whether you should try counseling, ask yourself the following questions.

Is there something you want to change in your life? Do you have the ability to bring about those changes? Do you know how to bring about the changes you would like to see? If you find you lack the skills or the control to make any changes, counseling can be beneficial.

Sometimes accepting what we cannot change can be difficult. For example, you may be frustrated with how your spouse or employer treats you and want them to change. Unfortunately for you, you can only change and control yourself. A counselor will help you learn to accept what you can’t change and teach you skills and ways to cope and react differently.

The hardest part in seeking change can be asking for help. It can feel like you are admitting defeat or you may worry about the negative stigma around going to counseling. Thankfully, this is changing as more people are discovering the benefits of getting help. Just remember that by asking for help, you are choosing to take the driver’s seat in your life to meet your goals.

Should you go to counseling?